I Know We're Cool

Why are you still in my dreams? I mean, seriously, after everything I went through, after all the anxiety and maybe even a little (OK, a lot. A ton...) of depression, and even more lack of closure. Why do dreams prevail and put you in a light I will most likely never know you in?

We will never be friends again. Sure, thank the Good Lord we get along really well right now. Professional AF, we jive, my loyalty hasn't changed, your eye is still on the prize. I think you're looking after me as much as I look after you. Maybe more. But it's just that. If either of us chose a different path, that path would definitely not include each other. Not only because of our history (which I probably remember a ton more than you do), but because of our personalities. I will admit at times I've thought you only have loyalty to yourself.

These dreams put you in a light that makes me think otherwise. They're... normal. There's a certain comfort between us. There's more than just the fact that we're looking at the same finish line. And I won't lie. I don't mind them. They're pleasant and kind and the type of stuff you talk about at the coffee machine because you really don't wanna get back to your cube.

But why so constant? Why so repetitive? And why my subconscious? That place where I have no control, yet I seem to be in much more control of what I say? Even though I don't mind the dreams, I don't think it's really fair. Because my conscious mind looks for reasons instead of just brushing it under the rug.

In this dream, I got to meet your girlfriend. Except she wasn't the girl I've seen in pics and videos. It was a foreign girl, probably Russian, but maybe Argentinian. I'm awful at determining accents. And you know that I loved? I was genuinely nice to her. Not kind, not just polite. I felt happy. For her and for you. Yet, she was shaking when I walked over and shook her hand. You had left her alone to go talk to someone at the bar. I asked her why she was shaking. She answered, I can't really remember what. But I actually comforted her. Told her she had nothing to be nervous about. That I was her girl. Just like I was yours. Even though she just met me, we're cool. It's just me. Yani. Loyal to the core. She wouldn't be an exception.

And right there, in my subconscious, I believed every word I said. I didn't say it so she'd stop shaking. Hell, that was my time to shine and intimidate the shit out of her. No. Instead I put her at complete ease. And the best part is, you weren't checking up on her, even though you saw me walk over. You weren't trying to overhear what I was telling her either. You knew what you had and you knew neither I nor the world could ruin it. You were happy, and that's all that mattered to me.

And now I write these words that are not even mine anymore, to hide three little wishes in here: I hope these dreams of an ideal comfort show up once in a while. I hope that you're genuinely happy. And I truly hope, that in a positive way, we're in each other's lives for years to come.

Yani
3/2/2019.-

Amazingly Anxious Adventures

When you're awkward and you don't belong... It's always there. No matter how much you think you've accomplished. No matter how much you believe you've overcome. No matter how many times you tell yourself you've come a long way. You simply don't belong. And sometimes people remind you of that. Fuck, sometimes they don't even try. But it's something you live with. You make the best of it. And you cope. And you survive. And maybe, just maybe... You thrive.

This isn't meant to be a sappy post. Or an attention-craving one. It's not even meant to get any responses. This is a post to convince myself in years to come, that I am feeling this way, because I'm hoping in a couple of years I will no longer feel this way. I want to be able to look back and take a deep breath, and just thank God that things are better. I want to say "WTF was wrong with you?" To my old self. I want to remember that I can be vulnerable, and that I'm humble and I want to prove to myself that I will not lose my humility, no matter what happens to me in this new job.

Oh, yeah, did I mention I took a new job? Same company, but sales oriented. I took a friggin sales job. What I said I'd never do. What I called the dark side for so long and what I'm officially naming the hardest spin off my comfort zone in my entire life. It all comes down to wanting to provide the best for my family, but man... My anxiety has sure spiked.

I should mention there's a group of people who, no matter how weird I am, and how I'll never really stop being this way... All accept me as I am. Because of them, I actually feel like "I belong" somewhere. They're not family, they're not necessarily friends, either. They're just... There. I'm so thankful.

Two years without writing in here. I can't pull that shit again. Not making any resolutions, just light fun, deep thoughts, enlightening conversations and solid actions. I can't mentally afford to lose myself again.

I am an adult. And yes, sometimes it sucks. But other times... I'm extremely happy I'm still here.

Yan
1/8/2018.-

[For The Record...]

(5/26/2016)

 

I've been asking myself such aggravating questions lately. Why? What's the point? Why bother?

 

Don't get me wrong. This is not one of those times when I want to do absolutely nothing and just let time pass by in an uneventful manner. No. I have far more important things to think about now.

 

This is a time when I'm feeling like my kindness has reached a new level and I feel like my face is toilet paper. And that it's the same people wiping themselves with me over and over again. 

 

I have been guaranteed that I am a good time. I have been told before that I'm good at listening, at making people laugh and at sympathizing with others, even if I've never been in a similar situation before. Even though most of my best friends live an ocean away, I do have many here that make sure to keep my around. This is because I'm ridiculously loyal, I don't sugar coat things and most importantly, I keep them around as well.

The importance is to keep a balance. To make sure things are said, that dates are kept and that somehow, somewhere, someone knows you're thinking about them. It's also the proverbial two-way street. It doesn't work if you don't get the same deal back. It might function for a little while, in a mediocre way, but nothing solid. Nothing meaningful or everlasting.

Which brings me to my next point. If I've been in a one-way street for years now, and there's no sign of opposite traffic anytime soon... What exactly is the point of trying? If it's so excruciatingly obvious and painfully exaggerated that I mean nothing to this person... Why do I continue to hang on to this friendship, that is clearly only in my head?

I don't want this blog to be about how I changed. I don't want it to be about how so many things got ruined for me because of this friendship. About how bitter I am because I cared just a tad too much, and it all turned to nothing. About how I'll never get close to anyone ever again, because of the doings of one person. I don't want this blog to be ruined for me, too.

I just want to get off this rollercoaster ride. I don't want to keep trying to let go. I want to be let go. I have done my part in keeping my distance. I want to be given the same respect. I want to stop feeling like a joke. Feeling like there must be a range of stories that are now public and I'm the only one that doesn't know they are. Feeling like I'm a burden. Like I'm a secondary deal to someone who's always been a priority for me. I want to stop missing and needing and giving so much importance to people who simply don't deserve.

I'm sick of talking about the same troubles. 

(12/29/2016)
 

I hate that I miss you even with everything that's gone down.

 

I didn't imagine what we had. It actually happened. Why did it end? I'll never understand. But I can assure you one day, you'll have mercy on this friendship that once was.

 

One day you'll tell me what I did wrong, why you made it disappear... why I'm nothing to you now. And on that day, when you're finally able to face me, to release that ounce of confrontational strength you've accomplished, I will listen. I will be there, just like I've always been.

 

Things will never be the same. But someday you will have to talk to me. Be it out of guilt, compassion or just plain boredom, you will reach out to me. And I will be, just like always, just around the corner.

 

And I don't ever want you to ever, EVER doubt that I'll be here. Like no one else has been there for you in this forsaken place.

 

One day I hope you believe in yourself like I have. That you realize that you have a heart. That you always did.
 

 

... Underneath all that ice.

 

YDLC
12/29/2016.-

Mala... Agradecida

Como es costumbre (para bien o para mal) cierro el año con un post en mi pseudo-olvidado blog. Hoy vuelvo a mis raíces publicando en Español. Total, los panas que leen en Inglés no se hacen sentir con el mismo fervor, y aunque me informan que puedo hacer maravillas con ese idioma, siempre he pensado que el Español ha hecho muchas más maravillas conmigo.

Desde hace ya varios años estos posts de fin de año han dejado mucho qué desear. Siempre hay mucha ansiedad en mí, varias quejas de amistades rotas, y una que otra resolución. Quizá perdí el toque, o quizá realmente no estaba al 100 por ciento dedicada a lo que estaba escribiendo. De hecho, ahora mismo estoy dando vida a estas líneas y no me siento conforme con lo que está saliendo.

Pero lo crudo del caso, el punto que estoy esforzándome por establecer, es que al final de la historia de lo que fue el 2015... Me siento increíblemente malagradecida.

Vivo una buena vida. Tengo una familia realmente excepcional. Tengo un buen trabajo y por lo general soy buena persona. No entiendo por qué me empeño en dejar que cosas que no debieran importarme, me hagan olvidar o descuidarme de todas estas bendiciones.

En algún momento, hace ya par de años, me olvidé de mí. Me obsesioné con situaciones en que nisiquiera viene al caso abundar y como dice aquella bella canción, "Me olvidé de vivir.". Perdí amigos, pero a todos nos pasa. Gané muchos otros, pero no he aprovechado diversos chances para hacerles ver que su llegada a mi vida ha sido importante. 

Incluso perdí muchas oportunidades de ver cosas en mi hija que sólo van a pasar una vez en su vida, por prestar atención a dolores pasajeros. Eso nunca me lo voy a perdonar.

Sin embargo... Dios me dio una hija! Me ha dejado verla crecer sana y fuerte hasta ahora. Mis cuñados no pueden decir lo mismo. Su bella hija se marchó al cielo este año. Se me rompe el alma al hacer la comparación. Pero es que simplemente soy dichosa... Soy bendecida... Soy verdaderamente malagradecida.

Hoy no les presento resoluciones, no me hago promesas a mí misma. Tampoco les digo cómo vivir su vida. Sólo recuerden que el mundo de cada quién, sólo esa persona lo conoce. Sólo tú sabes por lo que pasas, al igual que sólo yo sé lo que tengo de este lado. Abre los ojos, recuerda que siempre puede ser peor. No dejes que la vida te enrrede tanto la mente, que olvides lo bella que es. Recuerda que lo que hablas, dices, escribes y siembras, lo verás escuchado, recibido, leído y cosechado en tus hijos, y en todas las personas que te miran como ejemplo. Y si eres de los que se cree fuera de responsabilidad con los demás, recuerda que nunca sabes si eres el ejemplo de alguien. Es difícil percibirlo si te dejas agarrar de círculos viciosos y amistades de una vía.

Recuerda que estás vivo. Que no estás huyendo, peleando guerras que no son tuyas. Que no vives en el terror, y que es posible que tengas un futuro. Y claro, también es posible que ese futuro sea grandioso.

Sin más nada, me despido por este año. Que el 2016 te traiga todo lo que necesitas y mucho de lo que quieres. Y que Dios (o en lo que sea que creas) te guíe siempre por el camino del bien.

Con el cariño de siempre,
Yani
12/31/2015.-

Virgo and Moonchild

It's 3:30am and anxiety has once again moved in under my covers. When this happens, I usually have a pretty good idea why. From something heavy, like that a friendship is inevitably going downhill, to something that really shouldn't give me anxiety at all at this point, like public speaking.

However, this time around, it's a combination of both. Not one, but two of my dungeon buddies are leaving my department at work. You may think that my anxiety would be the inevitable workload growth, the difficulty of training, getting to know and dealing with new co-workers, and the fact that nobody has time for anything these days. If so, you couldn't be farther from the truth.

I will really, deeply, inevitably and unapologetically miss these women. They have been there for me in more ways than I could have asked for. They have lived things with me and trusted things in me that only friends of decades do. In a very short amount of time, we became dependent on each other without even noticing.

My pretty-eyed Virgo has so much love to give. Never admits out loud how beautiful she is, how strong she has become or how awkward I made things for her sometimes. Because she is all class. No judgement for me, even when she saw me at my worst. We share simultaneous experiences that I'm truly convinced had to coincide in order for us to become friends. We would have been just a little crazier had we had to endure these ordeals alone. But after that was over, there was so much more. There is still so much more unresolved. But all in due time. Now she moves on to new horizons, and I couldn't be happier. But it's an understatement to say I'll miss our talks so much, from reading our shared horoscope, to as over-thinking-ly as they could get. 

Sometimes I wonder where our "plan" sheet went. Operation Samurai or something? Then I realize I would only wanna see that sheet to burn it, or do something to it that I can't put here, 'cause let's face it, we're classy broads.

I thank God (or whatever she believes in ;-)) for knowing her, and I'm grateful for her coming into in my life. And rest assured if we do drift apart, I will understand. We kinda already have, but everything happens for a reason, they say. She was honest enough to answer me one day that when we stopped working together, inevitably things would change. It has happened with countless people before, but she was honest enough to pseudo-warn me. Doesn't stop being bittersweet, though. She has so many great things to accomplish and I can't wait to hear about them!

My ever so easygoing Moonchild became my sister in the blink of an eye. So gently honest, so humble, so modest, but yet so wholesome. And man, what a booty! Lol... I can't help dreading the thought that I won't see her amazing beach-waved hair every morning, wondering how the heck she manages to look amazing even in sweats, and how she's never had a frown that lasted over an hour in the year I've known her.

Always up for great conversation, never holding back advice and always having me begging for a video blog (can you please get on that already?), she made it fun to go to work again. Always coming up with reasons to throw cube parties, ten second dance sessions and shaking up the FMM. She is the epitome of the co-worker that effortlessly walks her way into your friendship circle. The kind of person you never wanna lose sight of. The one you look up to and can't help but wanna be like her. And exemplar mother and the true definition of "family first".

She introduced sex talking at our cubes first thing in the morning! Everyone assumes its me all the time! How could we not miss her, when all she's done is crawl into our hearts and set up camp there? I know, like she said yesterday, she will be around. But man, will I miss all her amusing stories (I'm still convinced all that stuff only happens to her) her incredible and apparently unbreakable sense of humor and her all-around easygoing manner. Like I've told her so many times already, I hope she always knows I'm here for her. 

Today I can't help but choke up at the thought that I won't see these girls every morning anymore. Yes, I've lost countless co-workers, and yes, I miss most of them very dearly. But these were different bonds. These involved similar sorrows, family growing pains, and situations we'll never forget. Situations that helped us grow, become, forgive, endure and enjoy life just a little more.

Go on and continue to make everyone that loves you very proud. We may drift apart, but we're friends. As simple or as complicated as life may be. I'm blessed you're part of mine.

Love you both,
Yan
07/10/2015.-

Before Something Great Happens...

The other day one of my really good friends said, "Before something great happens, usually a lot of bad things happen first.". She didn't use those exact words, but given the bitch-fest hour we had just accomplished, for lack of a better word, I knew where she was coming from. She was referring to hopeful idealism: When you've reached rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up.

While I've tried not to get my hopes up for this year (because I had outstanding hopes for 2014, and one of these days I'll puke myself into telling you how it went), once in a while, little phrases like these make their way into my thoughts. Good thoughts, for a change. In the middle of everything, those simple thoughts can save you from getting closer to insanity.

Anxiety is your worst enemy when there are just too many weird things going on. One instance is to feel like you're barely in control, and a very different one is to feel that your surroundings completely control you, your mood, your decisions, your view of every little thing or situation. It's not comfortable to second guess every decision, of ever minute, of every hour. And I'm feeling it lately. Ughhh, and it's a m'er f'er this time around. Wrinkles under my eyes, a few gray hairs and everything. It's here, full force.

A lot of our good friends have gone to better places, less like death and more like better jobs. We're left behind joking about slitting our wrists, jumping off a cliff, or setting the place on fire. It's all fun and games, and we keep the class, I mean, who doesn't joke about how miserable their workplace is? But damn... Something's gotta give. It's like people and processes are out doing themselves in the realm of difficulty, and we're left to wonder why we should even care about the whole thing.

For all we've been through this past year, my dungeon buddies and I deserve an awesome 2015. It's time for new stories, new people to accompany these stories, and fresh perspectives to go with the fresh personalities some of us have. And to awaken the calmer personalities of the bunch. ... Wait, never mind, we have none of those.

When my friend said that, and her pretty and inevitably adventurous eyes kinda lit up, I couldn't help but find myself hoping she's right.  Some would say we're just dealing with glorified first world problems. I think we're just growing up a little more. And I don't want it!

But at the end of the day, I'm just thankful. That we're going through this together, that it'll end at some point, and that it could always be worse.

We could be out of work, or being overworked... I could be prohibited from writing these words. I'm obviously all over the place. But that's where I'm supposed to be, I guess... Before Something Great Happens.

YD 3/26/2015.-

The Proof is in the Blogging

Yeah, I know. It's been a little a while since I've visited. But after this crazy season winds down, I promise I'll be back with a few pretty good ponderings, and maybe even some entertaining stories.

I just had to lock in this last post before the end of the year. Before getting stopped dead in my tracks, slapped right in the middle of my face, perhaps even mid-frolic ;-), by that new pseudo-hope that inevitably appears with New Year's Day.

And yes, I'm being extra concerned about something that most likely only matters to me, but that's precisely the point. Apart from my family and friends, you're one of the things that remains that I truly and genuinely care about. You're my blog, one of the strongest pieces of proof that I was once sane and then went insane, and have been in that back-and-forth ever since. How could I possibly let you go?

What would I have done without you when I went into those places so dark I would have never found my way out, because there was no one I could talk to that could so much as start trying to understand, or even accept?

Who would I have turned to in the times life decided to add in the shock factor of a surprise on top of another, even before I recuperated from the first? I would have never been able to handle myself and react as the classy broad I am!!

I promise I won't outgrow you, Blog. I don't think I ever could. Thanks for everything to you, my ever unconditional friend, and to your little sister, the password protected one, for helping me keep the secrets of a friend I thought would be just as unconditional.

And yes, you, reading this, you're most welcome to call me crazy for talking to something inanimate. But in all honesty... Do I look like I can afford therapy?

With that... Cheers, everyone. Here's to an outstanding 2015. May it be ever fulfilling, ever unforgettable, and ever unique.

... Just like my blog.

Yan
12/31/2014.-

The Secret Life of Pushovers (II)

Where was I? Ah, yes, my favorite pushover ever. For sh*ts and giggles, we'll call him Donatello, in the true spirit of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles making their much awaited comeback. Plus, our leading fella's name is the same as one of theirs.

Donatello was, at the time, shorter than I was. A bit darker than me, with soft eyes that made him look like he had been hurt (by something physical and simplistic, like getting hit by a car, not by, like, heartache), and in my entire life I have undoubtedly never kissed bigger lips. Twice my size (I know, right?!), plumped up like on God's Botox, and perfectly shaped like the healthiest apple. We were really good for each other because he boosted my self-esteem as best as he could, and I brought him out of his shell a little. (Get it? Shell? Half shell, cause he's Donatello?? I crack myself up...)

Anyhow, I wasn't exactly Miss Kind when I used to date him, so Donatello ended up taking a few bullets for me. Perfect example, I started some gossip about a mutual friend, blamed good ol' Donatello, and he took it like a man, even if it meant that our friend wouldn't talk to him for a while. To this day, I haven't thanked him for that. I know you're reading this, so thanks, D.!

There was also an instance where Yvette, a couple of new friends, Don and I were at Plaza Zona Rosa, when it used to be the hot spot for college kids, and he disappeared on us for like an hour. When he showed up, not only did I rip him a new as*hole, I did it in front of our new friends. It wasn't until half hour later that we realized he was doing it to stall us from heading home, as my mom was preparing a surprise birthday party for Yvette. And my mom LOVED Donatello with such a passion, that she counted on him to be in on the plan INSTEAD of me.

The decline in our relationship came when he took being a pushover to the next level. I was beginning to be super into him, and (with the help with my prying mother) picturing a pretty great future with him. But the boy took some pretty bad advice. One of his friends, of which I have never inquired the name, told him he needed to "show me 'what he had' a little more". This meant that, not only was it pretty obvious Donatello had money, but he now had to boast about it. He actually paid attention to that piece of... gold.

While out on dates, he told me he made the huge effort of not repeating the same clothing twice a year; he said he wanted to buy an original NES, "just to have it", not even to take it out of the box; the kicker was when we passed a jewelry store and I mentioned I really liked a diamond cross that was on the window, and he gave me that look that rich people give, like they can buy your soul if they wanted to. I stopped him dead in his tracks and told him not to even think about buying it.

But the glass that spilled the cup for me was the fact that he had the opportunity to enroll in an international program straight from the university he was attending (we didn't go to the same school, he was at the rich-kid university, PUCMM), it entailed a few years at the Rochester Institute of Technology.  And... he rejected the opportunity. Yup, he turned down a ridiculously positive experience... for none other.. than... me. I know it sound romantic as f*ck, but I was FURIOUS. I remember my throat hurting as I yelled over the phone. How could he throw away something so great, a truly amazing opportunity, over someone who treated him like total crap? Had I been more mature I would have realized he was trying not to be away from me and visualizing a future with me. But all he did was freak me out. Seemed like he just couldn't find a balance between making me want him for him, and making me love him I'm spite of him being rich. So he did what any pushover would do, push himself over and put me first. All he really did was what he thought was best, and I couldn't see past freaking out over someone wanting to give me everything. It was over within the month.

The last time I saw Donatello, we were having dinner in what's probably my favorite joint in Santiago at the moment. He said he was crushed that last time he called my house phone and Yvette picked up, looked at me, and not even lowering my voice, I said "Tell him I'm not here." I don't remember that happening, but the way I was treating him those days, I wouldn't have put it past me. I do remember Yvette sending him a letter through mIRC that she had found, where I was breaking up with him. He typed back that he was going to see if his parents would get him out of the country. "Oh, NOW you wanna leave??" I remember being so pissed, and freaked out, and overwhelmed, that at that point nothing he couldn't do anything to alleviate it.

He did alleviate things for himself, though. Became super ambitious, found a wife that's just a tad less ambitious than him, heheh... And is fulfilling his dreams as best as he can. That's not easy back in the Dominican Republic. Overall, I'm happy he's still my friend, and that he overcame this whole pushover deal. Which is truly more than I can say for a lot of other friends I have at the moment. But that, my friends, is another story.

So if you are a pushover, or know someone who is, and you are currently not happy with your situation, remember this: sometimes the other person is just waiting for you to take charge this time around. Don't sit and wait. For what you'll inevitably be pushing next, will be your relationship away, and your suitcases out the door. And it won't be to go to Rochester!!

Yan DLC
10/26/2014.-

The Secret Life of Pushovers

Growing up and while dating I wasn't very confident. Yes, I stopped being shy as soon as I hit sophomore year in high school, but confidence didn't really work its way into my repertoire of magic tricks until sophomore year in college. Up until that point, I had been drawn to dudes who were very sure (even full) of themselves. And super secure in me, too. As far as they were concerned, infidelity would never be an issue, because I was so self conscious, that I could never shoot for someone better for me.

Now, keep in mind I never thought I'd have a serious relationship, let alone become engaged or get married. My plans for the future revolved around a Mack truck with windows, looking as badass as "Lola La Trailera", never living in the same state for more than a year, and settling for being cool Aunt Yani for the rest of my life. I couldn't be bothered with the conversation of being a wife and mothering kids to some hot shot. Because I would be the hot shot. Whatever I did professionally would be BIG. Whatever I did romantically, not so much.

Life can definitely throw you in directions never expected. And the fact I actually found someone crazy enough to put up with my eccentricities (which I didn't know existed until my thirties, smacking me so hard that my chin gets smaller by the minute) is still some kind of a mystery to me.

But I digress. So I dated (defining dating as puritan, unadulterated, nonsexual and unapologetic fun) a handful of guys who were absolutely sure of what they were doing at the moment. Locking me down while they had no idea how to fix their own locks regarding self awareness. Clueless about their appearance and completely oblivious to the fact that other guys were looking at me. And looking pretty hard.

And then came the pushovers. That group of guys that inevitably made me realize who I had previously been and why I could never be that way again. The pushover had a few character traits that set him apart from the rest of the dating spectrum, and that still live worldwide today. (Ughhhh, "worldwide", I just totally sounded like Pitbull. Remind me never to say that word again...)

1) He is not enough for you, let alone for anyone else. The pushover is an expert at strongly believing you'll dump him the second he says the wrong thing. And once you leave him, he'll be alone forever, because let's face it, he's nothing without you. You made him, and you will destroy him if this happens.

2) Everything is unbearable. It's the end of the world when an argument comes about. He drowns in a sorrow so deep, his face can only be described by that little emoticon that has its eyes sadly shut and his mouth open oh, so wide in a ridiculous frown. Yes, it would be easier to paste the emoticon here, but I got you to exercise your imagination, didn't I?

3) Looks don't matter, but BOY, DO THEY MATTER! He looks in the mirror fifty times before going out, and seventy-five times before exiting the cab to go in the club. Yet, he has the audacity to say looks aren't important and thrives on saying he's with you specifically because of your personality. God forbid you getting a big head for believing you're cuter than you really are! No, he'll tell you that you're beautiful, but he'll never push it. Because in his eyes, the second you realize you're a lot hotter than he is, you're dumping his ass.

This last one is particularly curious because it's where the pushover tries to convince the world that he's not a pushover. He portrays a tiny bit of confidence, which is total bs, because he's secretly and dramatically dying inside.

I dated a boy who was probably the biggest pushover I have ever met. This guy was booksmart, the pride of both his (loaded) parents and teachers. He was the only one in our clique that went to school for what I like to call engineering on steroids, AKA Telematics Engineering. He was bright, and always put his studies over everything else. And a successful future could clearly be seen for him, no matter what he did... Until I came along.

... To Be Continued...

(Woa! I hadn't typed "To Be Continued" in years! Feels good. Why did I stop doing that again?)

Yani DLC
09/25/2014.-

If it wasn't for Her

There are certain days when I just want to let go. Just disconnect, not care, not worry about what'll happen tomorrow. Days that merit drinking, cursing, hurting myself, so I won't hurt others. Days where everything I've worked for, and everything I've obtained... seems so small, so insignificant, so irrelevant.

There are simpler days, when I need family, friends, the occasional flirtation, to make it through. These are NOT those days. On these I need absolute detachment, solitude, the sense that I'm battling my demons on my own, the sense of control that finds its way to perdition and kills everything it finds.

But as soon as I see her face, everything changes. All my worries, all my discourage, all these wrinkles and gray hair that all of a sudden invade me... Turn to nothing.

As soon as I see her smile, I remember why I have to do this. I remember why I get up every morning and put up with people. And bring home hard earned money, and try to give her the most comfortable, safe and happy life I can. As soon as I see her eyes, I remember why I live.

I always thought parents exaggerated when they said stuff like "They're my everything", or "They're my reason to live". I had come to think humans were so self-involved and utterly selfish that one could not live for another more than for oneself, at least a tiny bit. I had never been more wrong in my entire life. And she's the reason I understand. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have a reason to understand where I'm going, why I'm living and who I'm living for.

People have asked me why I've never posted anything about my daughter. The answer is quite simple. Nothing I ever write will do justice on how this child has changed my life. Everything I write seems so unworthy, so basic, so non elaborate.

So up until this point I had never tried. But don't be fooled: with this post, I will be content, because it's something she'll be able to read one day, and maybe I'll cheer her up somehow. But in no way, shape or form will I ever think this even remotely close to fitting, or even enough to describe what she has done for me.

And I'll continue to post about simple things to describe, of course. But going forward what is inspired by her, will only be directed to her. It's up to her if she wants to share. I know writing will be a part of our communication, and I'm very much looking forward to that.

So, Janielle, when you read this, know that Mami loves you more than words could ever so much as try to describe. I love you like the Earth loves the Sun, like our favorite foods love salt, and like we, as humans, could never fully understand. You're my all, my exception, my everything. My strength and my weakness, all at once.

I will love you through the worst. Through misunderstandings, fights, heartbreak and other more alarming failures. Through anything you may consider as the world falling on you, because I will try to feel it the same.

I will love you when you hate me. Because at some point it's inevitable. But more importantly, because you have made me want to be the best I could ever be. No matter what, I will continue to live with you, at least in my spirit, and for you, at least in my mind. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I plan on proving it to you.

And... Maybe someday, I'll inspire you a mere tenth of what you have inspired me.

... I still can't believe you started Kindergarten today.

Mami
08/27/2014.-

Drama-Keen

About two weeks ago I had a conversation that has put in perspective how I feel about my personality in more than one way. I was told I'm dramatic. Not in the usual "You're Dominican, so it's expected" way, but that I create drama, spread it, that it follows me, and that I can't get away from it... That I blow things out of proportion in very negative ways, and that this particular person had heard many things from me that he couldn't fathom me saying.

I'm laying here thinking about it still, because no, I'm not a robot, and unfortunately I tend to hold on to what a (I'm going to use a super heavy word for this person, so excuse me while I brace myself) friend will tell me, for usually one of two reasons: 1) that it's so shocking, I can't believe those words were directed toward me, and 2) that I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking, "Yeah, things are iffy, but not because of anything relevant or worth finding out about. Let's just all get along."

This time it's both. Because I had never heard those words being thrown specifically at me, and because the reasoning for them has apparently been going on for eight long months.

Some people have the ability to deliver words with such an impact that they reach your subconscious and mutilate it so bad you're left wondering what the heck just happened. And the words hurt with such a force, that for a period of time (in my case, sixteen days later) they keep coming back to you, kicking your ass a little harder, because apparently the initial beat up wasn't enough.

And I cringe at the thought of the aftermath. The fact that there are still so many unanswered questions. To which, honestly, half of me doesn't want answers. Half of me just doesn't want to know more. I just wanna go to work, and do my job, which I happen to be good at (mainly because I've been there forever, but you know what I mean); get my paycheck and keep things strictly professional. And for sixteen days I've managed to do that.

The other half of me is broken. It's tired and beat, and it wants to be frozen up for a while so she doesn't feel anything.  I want to know why this has been going on for eight months. Why was I not approached about this when it happened, or at least right after it happened; why the silence, the exclusion, the avoidance, the anti-bandage-ripping attitude that made me wonder so many nights what on Earth I did wrong. Does someone really deserve to live a lie for eight months, when she has proven to be open minded enough that you can tell her anything, because her skin is so ridiculously thick that, through it all, she will be OK?

I've said some rude things, I won't lie. But at the time, with the utmost honesty, I didn't realize they were rude. This is who I am, I push the envelope, I empower people to think big, to get their truths to their face and embrace who they are. To simply grow a pair, and to be able to take criticism. This world was made for the ready, for heaven's sake, not for the weak. And the people I'm with most of my time should already have figured out that I'm harmless. Yes, I may shock you with what I have to say, but it's only because I want you to be better, I KNOW you can be better. And it's none of my business, I was told. Guess what? If I consider you my friend, it is my business. I want nothing more than the best for you, and if I know you can be better for yourself and inspire those around you, and be as strong and beautiful as you can, I will find a way to tell you.

But apparently everything I've said around a specific clique has been taken in the worst way possible. My words and actions have been turned and I have been seen in a very unflattering light. I've been portrayed as manipulative, conniving, plotting, you name it, that was me. I feel like nothing I can do at this point can fix this. All I can do is apologize, hope that the wall they have probably formulated in their minds has at least a small window in it that I can at least leave my side of the story bundled up beside, waiting to be heard and believed.

When I discuss the issue with friends that know the matter, I'm inevitably told the same thing. "Let that rubbish go, you don't need to prove yourself to anyone. You have your friends that know who you are, and if these people have a preconceived notion of who you are, nothing that you say will change that". "They're not worse, but they're not better than you, either. They've probably said things about us, too, and they're most likely not stressing out about this in the least."

But I'm not one to just not care. I believe in the power of clarity, of closure and of acceptance. If I can as much as show at least one of these people, which I happen to respect for who they are, that above all else I never meant to make this personal or make to make them feel excluded afterward, or even so much as that my intentions have never had an ulterior motive, that'll be enough for me. And who knows, maybe they'll get and keep something positive from it too.

I know I'll never get answers to questions that have lingered for so long, and I'll figure out a way to make my peace with it. But it hurts. It hurts with an intensity, that I can't help but believe I must have been a VERY bad person in my previous life, and I'm paying for it harshly in this one. I've tried to confront, and to clear things up, and have had the opportunity denied to me like a door shut in my face on so many occasions. If this has been going on for eight months because of a series of misunderstandings, it would crush me. But I'll never know.

Eight months... Unbelievable. In the end, I assure you, I'd rather be called a drama-queen, than a coward. "This too shall pass.", they say. I'm sure it's correct. I just hope that by the time it does, no one's left wondering if what they did was right. Or wondering if they just threw away one of the greatest friendships they could ever have, all because they decided to keep quiet.

Yan
7/27/2014.-

Pesky, Little Bubble

One of my newest friends, who happens to live in a very far away land, taught me something last week. Most of my so called friends live "stuck in a bubble". They can't see past their own problems, happenings, and overall lives.

The only reason my new friend can be so sure about this, given he doesn't know the rest of my friends, is that it's unfortunately way too common these days. The monster that is egotistical social media, along with everyday undeserved praise, making everything "about me", and that newfound courage you inevitably get when you hit a certain age and all of a sudden you feel like you can take over the world in a second, can really take its toll on an otherwise super interesing personality.

We are, by virtue or defect, living in the era where Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and other hazardous chemicals have made it its focal point to legitimately have their users perform those virtual screams of "Look at me!", "Read my status!", "Listen to the point I have to make!", or even "I don't really have a point, or something good to say at the moment,  or really anything positive to contribute to society, but look at the annoying shape I can make with my mouth while I'm taking a selfie! That takes talent!".

Now, don't think I'm up on a condescending horse here, for I too have experienced being virtually egocentric. You're looking at the proof. This blog used to have a good two hundred followers, and it used to be the center of my life. The fact that people moved on to Facebook and all the other aforementioned ventures, doesn't make me immune to the fact I was once wrapped up in a bubble that was far less than noticeable by me at the time. People went from wanting to read, to wanting to be read, and that's very much OK.

So why am I bringing it up? Why state the obvious when it seems like it's only getting worse, and why even bother to write these words, if my followers are no longer there?

It's simple, and twofold: first, I didn't start blogging with the hopes of becoming a "blogstar". It soothed me, relaxed me and it still does. Second, I do have strong hopes that my friends who do take a second to exit their pesky, little bubbles, and enter this passive-aggressive situation I'm describing, do it in a way that makes them understand that at some point we need to think big.

There are wars going on in the world. There are people dying every day, for reasons we wouldn't even be able to BEGIN to understand, because we're just so stuck in what's happening a mere mile around us. You can call me uptight, you can call me "Debbie-Downer", and you can keep saying I'm "getting way too serious" for you, but the same way life is too short to worry about the (apparently) inevitable, life is too short not to. There's a time to have fun, and to make it all about me, but there's also a time to learn, to become aware, to know what's happening in this home we were given.

Egoism is strong, but not necessarily powerful. Not when we're accomplishing nothing. Maybe you'll read this, raise an eyebrow, like me a little less and close this window, because after all, you don't need anyone to tell you what you're doing wrong, because let's face it, you can do no wrong. Can you?

But maybe, just maybe, you'll start to realize it's not all about you, it's time to think big, and if you can't physically give anything back, at least give it your thoughts. After all, the world put them there. And that's what's truly powerful.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need go find a nice, thick needle. Time to pop this sucker into oblivion and live just a little harder.

YDLC
7/21/2014.-

This Old Knot

Stress is such a waste of time. I mean, seriously, what's the point? If it has a solution, why worry about the issue? And on the other hand, if it has no solution, once again, why worry?

It's like we're programmed to lose our hair (or have it  turn gray) over everything. Lack of money, lack of space, lack of privacy, lack of sex. There's a worry for each one of us, and it's bound to occupy our minds whether we like it or not. And no, gutter-heads, I don't have that last one!

I had this teacher in college, Professor Luis Santana, that would say he was actually able to decide what he was going to worry about, and when. If he had to have a nasty conversation on Monday morning, he wouldn't worry about it until that Monday morning. If he had a tedious ordeal to handle on Thursday afternoon, he didn't prep for it until Thursday morning.

I found it exquisitely amazing. And have always wanted to be able to do that. It's the epiphany of using logic. Not letting emotions take over you, not paying mind to the things that simply don't deserve it, not going insane over something that will resolve itself with time.

To have control over my thoughts, group them up and put them where they won't bother anyone, and decide when to ponder about them... is such a beautiful dream. A dream that someday I want to turn into reality.

Someday I want to get rid of this knot in my throat that's just so darned tight. I wanna be able to accept problems and decide if they're worth my sleep, my hunger and my above all, my tranquility. I want to show my brain that it doesn't rule me, that it's the other way around. That positivity can actually exist within me, and that I can portray it in my actions. I wanna be able to laugh at problems, challenges and issues, just like I have no problem laughing at myself.

This is beginning to sound like a sappy mantra. Sorry about that! Back to basics. One of my biggest flaws has always been worrying about people that are perfectly fine. In other words, don't need me to worry about them. And in even better words, haven't the slightest interest or consideration in the fact that I worry about them. And in the latest establishment on the issue, have been rude responding to my worry. It hurts, but in the grand scheme of things, what really can I do but stop worrying and hope for the best? What can I do but know about them drinking into oblivion, put their life in the hands of God, and hope that some day they realize that all I ever wanted was their happiness?

At what point do I just back off and realize that I'm no one important in this person's life? At least not important enough that there would be some sort of two way street when it comes to basic communication? Why invest my worry in someone that clearly doesn't deserve it?

So many questions I'll probably never have the answers to. But so little I can do about it. I need to know what the absence of worry is about, really embrace it, detach myself from a senseless friendship. Let go of someone who just plain doesn't need me anymore. And deal with the stress as best as I can.

This is something I think I've never done before. At least, not with a friendship that got to possess so much intensity. Maybe I'll write about it again. Maybe my reaction will make things change. All I know is I'll never feel this way again. And I shouldn't. No one should have to stress about something as beautiful as friendship. I've already lost too much time.

Yani DLC
02/24/2014.-

Poisonous Silence

It stings. It feels like I have seven hundred bees injecting their poison into each one of my veins, repeatedly. Like if a Mack truck decided to run over my knees, over and over again. It hurts like nothing I've experienced in a very long time.

It burns. It feels like I'm slowly walking along the hallways of a burning house, feeling the flames piercing my skin, excruciatingly tearing off my face. Feeling my lungs get inundated with that deadly smoke. Feels like it won't stop.

It insists. Just when I think it'll get a little better, it makes me remember, and it hits me harder than before. It reminds me that it can be stronger than me. It convinces me that it's bigger than me. That I can't possibly get rid of it. That it'll do with me whatever it wants.

It is here. It will not go away any time soon. It will make its house in the edge of one of my ribs, and just tighten, and strain, and break me, and be as painful as it can be. It will have no mercy of me. It'll laugh straight at my face whenever I think I can forget it.

It's trapped. It has found a home in my soul and taken over. And it will last forever. Not with the same strength always, but it will frequently show up to flaunt its power. It'll never really leave. It's a part of me now. And I will never know another pain comparable to this, ever.

It will make me stronger. Just like everything else. Yet I will be weak for a long time. Because I became a slave to this twisted dream. But it was my dream. It will never be a nightmare, because it's too beautiful to be called that.

It makes me weak. And it'll make me strong. It changed me, and I will never be the same. It passed the test of time, but not the test of circumstance. It is mine, but I'll never have it. It's what I'm made of, but I'll never embrace it. It's what I want, but not what I need.

It will not be resolved, because it's not a problem. It will not be measured, because I could never show it in full effect. It will never spread its wings... Because it never learned to fly.

It hurts, but it's mine, right? I can't die of this, correct? A body in pain can still live, can't it? A burned soul will still find it's place in this sick world, won't it?

This sweet, gentle poison of seven hundred bees traveling through me... It can't possibly kill me...

... Can it?

Overthinking It

In a conversation, supposedly when you keep quiet, you let the other person assume whatever they want to. If you want the other person to go totally insane, go ahead and ignore their comment, or make vague comments in return, or simply, just smile. It's the oldest trick in the conversation book, and after all these centuries, still the most effectively annoying.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my friends yacked away regarding how their relationship is falling apart, or how so and so dressed like a total slut today, or even how they can't figure out how to handle an issue at work, and I made it a point to let them figure it out on their own, and in turn they overthought about it and assumed I don't give a damn... well, I'd be out of debt.

When did silence become an insult? When did we stop hoping for the best? At what point did we stop assuming our listening friend has enough to worry about and just backed off? Have we become so egotistical that we can't see past what we perceive as the other person's thought, and it's so blindly that we may never get to truly gaze upon their actual concern?

I know what your must be thinking: her new year's resolution is to stop over thinking. But come on, like I (or anyone with friends that are so hard to read) could ever pull that off. This is more the usual rant about how we should really go the extra mile and simply communicate better!

If you know someone over thinks things, why in God's green Earth would you help them? If the second you turn your head they're biting off all their finger nails, shedding out more hair than usual or just not making eye contact... or making too much eye contact! Pick it up, be a pal, offer answers. And if you don't wanna ask what's wrong, at least make the effort to let your friend know you're there for them.

Help them stay off the premises of your business, by being very clear that there really is no business to be concerned with at all. Stop ignoring and start communicating. Words are definitely underrated. When was the last time you left voicemail for someone? No, ya didn't, cause it's too annoying, too time consuming to get through it. Send an impersonal, tactless text message instead. When did we replace feelings and tones with LOLs and emoticons?

God, this post is about as messy and as all over the place as I've been lately. I'm beginning to hate getting old. But if it makes you feel any better, that's it, that's my rant. On to bigger, better things. A completely new year awaits and is almost here. Time to shape up this old body now that I've lost the necessary pounds (now, there's a cliché of a resolution!). Time to offer a better face to these days of uncertainty. Time to stop over thinking so much, bring back asking, and doing everything I can to avoid being ignored.

Get ready world. Operation "Just talk it out" is in full force. Gosh... that is one lame name for an operation... Maybe I can pull something cool off, like the Ninja Report, lol... Ok, here goes... Operation Samurai is ready to be launched!

Hey, I promised less over thinking, not more awesomeness ;-)

Happy 2014, my great ones.

Yani
12/31/2013.-

ReconnEXing with an Old Friend

I always make fun of Yvette this time of the year, because she has this ex-boyfriend that always "checks in" with her around the holidays. I give her a "wicked" hard time because the sucker always hits her up around Christmas. "What, does he, get cold??" I always ask. It's a good running joke.

All kidding aside though, reconnecting with someone is definitely underrated. Be it something tricky, like an ex-boyfriend, or something obvious, like a family member, sometimes it's just so much worth exploring. The rush you get when someone that had been a crucial part of your life years before, and for whatever reason had to exit it, all of a sudden reappears in your life, may very well be like the perfect Christmas gift. It truly is priceless.

Specifically with an ex, a million questions, even if only subconsciously, cross your mind. What are they up to now? How far are they from me, in both presence and in thought? What has changed? Dear God, what has not!?! Will it ever be as intense as before, or will it be calm and caring, and collected and super mild? Did they go through the same thing I did? Did they miss me as much (or as little) as I did? And there's one question that at some point one inevitably asks themself: What would have happened?

What if this person wouldn't have exited my life? Would they still be around? Would we have had a strong relationship? And most importantly, would that relationship have survived all the tests that would come with time, and would we still be together?

I've always said an ex is like an ex job. Whatever went wrong the first time, goes ten times worse the second. So run like it's the apocalypse! But I'm not a fan of generalizing, so I won't. What if the, uh... job is so good, you need it? What if the, uh... satisfaction you used to get gave you such a high, that you never really recovered from it, and once in a while you still have withdrawals?

Be it the feel of their touch, the beauty of their face, the rhythm of the conversations you had with them, the way they gave you their restless, undivided attention, or simply the way they looked at you and you felt like you owned the world... You missed that. You find yourself feeling so strange... ly awesome! And it's goofy, and maybe even inappropriate at times. But it's there, you can't help it. Your feelings weren't dead. They were merely frozen. It doesn't necessarily mean you're still in love with them. God, no. But the ego boost is nevertheless exhilarating.

And the balancing act of not letting this "melting work" get in the way of your everyday... Boy, that can get exhausting. The care with which you explain and review with your loved ones that this will not interfere with your life, or mean anything more than that, reconnecting. If you even go there! Because how many people actually explain something like this to their significant other? Is that something they would even understand or... encourage? Nah, most of it stays in seclusion, a pseudo-complicated secret, or a vague white lie. Because it really doesn't go anywhere, so it's ok.

... Or does it? For others, it can get so twisted. Reconnecting with an ex can put in jeopardy everything they've worked for that makes up their current situation. Old flames spark, some limiting themselves to flirting, others leading to simple (or not so simple) infidelity. If never revealed, the most intense chapters of people's lives get written. If otherwise, relationships, good, durable, meaningful relationships can get sawed in half never to be put back together again.

I have a great relationship with all my exes. We do NOT regularly keep in touch. It's more of a check-in, make sure all is well, talk to ya next year, kinda deal. Super platonic. Rarely ever does it go farther than a few Facebook messages. Cause that's the other thing. Our egos are so ridiculously large, that we have to have them around in our social media. To remind us of the fact that we were once important to them, that the new significant other could never be as hot as us, or simply that... we won!!

So, my dear friends, the next time an ex knocks at your door, don't ignore them. Especially now, it is the holidays, after all. It can be a beautiful thing to rediscover the awesome you that you put in a box and smashed into pieces, with that entire relationship. And it doesn't hurt to keep the peace with the person who may hold a few secrets over your head. Just... also please keep your pants on.

Everyone deserves a hug. This is all virtual, of course, like in the form of a tweet, or a Facebook message. If they actually show up at your door... once again, run like it's the apocalypse!

Happy Holidays, my darlings.

Yanster
12/20/2013.-

Bad Influences

I really, really, REALLY need to tone down this darned negativity. This time it's not my boss picking it up, it's really good friends and co-workers. That is worse in certain ways.

I'm arguing with people about stupid, secondary, unimportant issues, complaints I can fully keep to myself, pet peeves that should be strictly that, peeves, not topics of long, and even public discussions. I'm dropping F bombs like I've never known to do (was never a fan of swearing growing up) I'm putting myself in a super non flattering light that shows such a dramatic, exaggerated side of me. I'm beginning to hate that side.

Living paycheck by paycheck is really taking its toll on me. I know I should be grateful I have a job, I'm healthy, I have a healthy, loving family. It's the stuff I don't have that is getting me as down and out of place as an islander in New England Weather... wait a minute, that's me!

There is so much I should be thankful for. And I am internally. Really. There are moments I can put aside all my frustration and remember that others don't even have families, jobs, a plate on their table. But this is a very difficult country to be a conformist in. This is the country that slaps you in the face with consumerism as soon as you walk out the door.

And this is not a post of all the material things I want for Christmas. Definitely not. This is about those relationships that appear to be slipping away. One specifically. I've done such an outstanding job at becoming more detached with my friends, not expecting them to be in touch with me every day, closing my eyes and hoping for the best if they disappear on me. Hell, I don't even get back to voicemails anymore.

But once in a while I fall off the wagon, and just like an alcoholic that missed his whiskey so damned much, my anxiety is so much worse this time around. I find myself waking up at four, five o'clock in the morning, to try to remember better times, simpler days. Not even from years ago. Just a month ago. Days when one person could come up to me, show me how pretty I apparently am, and I'd actually believe it, and give in, have fun and reciprocate the compliment. Now, even if there were any compliments, which there most certainly are not, I would probably end up feeling like that person wants something.

It doesn't really help that the people I'm talking to the most this week have very little positivity in them to begin with. My sister's got this aggressive road rage that appears to drag on right after she gets out of her car. My associate's going through extremely rough times, she just wants to let go of everything. I've been in that situation before, and if I had a blog back then (and a daughter), I probably wouldn't have considered suicide. My sales rep keeps complaining about the stupidest things. The woman willfully had no kids, owns her own place, and makes good money. Did she really just complain about the company we work for? My AP rep is probably the worst influence. I find myself cackling, laughing at people, not in the cute, "Oh, she's so corky" kind of way, but in the "OMG, can I please beat her up just once" kind of way, each time she steps into my cubicle.

We all live truly great lives. Yet we seem to concentrate on such petty ass things. We need to go back to celebrating people's success, still making fun of them one in a while, of course, but highlighting the fun of it. I think I may start by actually saying "Good morning" to an intern we have. She's never done crap to me, I can't even blame her for distracting me. The fact she annoys me doesn't justify me ignoring her. I'm sure I have characteristics that annoy people. They don't ignore me for them.

I'm pretty sure she's terrified of me, too, the poor thing. A few days ago she ran the other way when I unconsciously sat in the area where she usually sits for the Friday Morning Meeting.

I can't be making people uncomfortable again. Things need to change. I can sit here and blame all the bad influences around me, but at the end of the day, I'm the only one responsible for what comes out of my mouth, the same way I'm the only one responsible for what goes in it.

I'm sure today will be the longest day before my pseudo-experiment. But I plan on keeping positive. Never been a believer of this positive vibes crap, so let's say it's not even with that purpose. Let's just see what happens when I concentrate on those great little things I have, not take for granted all the big ones, and acknowledge, respect and maybe even get to like all the ones in between.

Have a positively wonderful week!!

... k, that was, like, totally pushing it. Sorry. No idea where that came from.

Enjoy your week :-)

YDLC
12/8/13.-

The Good Wife

While you might think that I have forgotten about my blog, it's definitely not the case.

I've been so preoccupied with things that are unimportant, yet urgent, like work, so the blog has had to take a back seat.

Family is still joyfully first, but I've gotta say, I'm so darned grateful to have such awesome, outgoing friends, and such a great life outside of home. Not everyone is blessed with such a great social life in their early thirties, married and with child.  And I've been trying to enjoy every minute of it while I can, and cherish so many moments of unforgettable fun.

Yes, I know I sound like the typical "Whatever I didn't do in my twenties, I wanna do in my thirties!" cliché. But I assure you, my few faithful blog readers, that this is further from the truth than a beggar at a penthouse. It's not that I've decided to put aside my values, and party like a rockstar without thinking of tomorrow. It's not that I have a husband that doesn't care about my decisions. But, nevertheless... I have one amazing relationship. I could sit here and write up an encyclopedia about how great it is, but I'll get to the raw, unfiltered, unapologetic and uncensored point: we have somehow met the point between respecting each other and having an openmind.

I won't bore you with intricate details, just know that you're the lucky recipients of my pseudo-secret. And I'm only posting it because I know your opinions will be valued, and that I'm still calling it a secret because even after I speak to my select group of friends, there's very little agreement, very little grasp of my ideas. So the real value of it doesn't really get shared or experimented.

To make it as simple as possible, my husband has a green light. He can do whatever he pleases with his body, as long as it doesn't affect his ability to take care of me or our daughter. This pertains primarily to that issue that people take so seriously, and that if they didn't, would probably avoid a good chunk of divorces happening every year: cheating.

Yup, you heard it here, first. Mr. Death can cheat. I know I'm defying the laws of physics (especially Hispanic physics!) by thinking this way, but what can I say? You live according to what you learn, feel and see. I've seen so many great marriages end over such an egotistical flaw. Over ego. Over one or two (or twenty) nights of superficial pleasure...

This little agreement, however, and of course, comes accompanied by a set of three rules. Rules that would probably be tweaked if he were suicidal enough to go through with this, haha, but that are there nevertheless:

1) I can definitely, absolutely NEVER find out. Whether it's a one-night stand, or a full-blown affair, I can't know about it. From him, or anyone else. It should forever haunt his conscience, and his alone.

2) He needs to protect himself. Yes, I know a condom comes to mind, but that's not all I'm referring to. I also can't mentally afford an infatuated bitch trying to come up to me and ruin my marriage. He must have the understanding with her that this is what it is, something he needs to get out of his system, that she will never be first, that she is a hole-filler (getting her hole filled... ha!).

3) If I do find out, and this happens to be more of an emotional and mental ordeal, than it is physical, he needs to explore it without me in the picture. If he falls in love, it can only mean he's fallen out of love with me. And life's too short to live with someone you can't make happy. We will figure out a civilized way to exit each other's lives.

I know this all sounds too good to be true, that this is too perfect an agreement to actually work. But keep two things in mind that make this more hypothetical than actual: a) I've never known of him cheating, so I'm on cloud seventeen at the moment and b) I, on the contrary, don't have this magical green light ;-) So I have to be careful not to place myself in situations I can lose control of. Has it still been super close to happening? Have I been ridiculously close to situations where I could be unfaithful if I wasn't so, well, faithful? Yeah... But that, my chums, is another story.

Until then, have yourselves blissful nights. I have to go fulfill my good wife duties now ;-)

Yani DLC
11/8/2013.-

At the End of the Day

Ok, let's try this one more time. I mean I can't close a year that was so great in such a low note.

Because it really was great. I mean, sure I got my guts subtly handed to me, but at least I realized I still have them. And yes, my walls are now up higher than never before, but it was time for new locks anyway. And sure, I am bitter and confused and demotivated, but dammit, I'm only human! I have once again measured my ability to care, my endurance and my selflessness to give a relationship my all.

Certain people (whether they like it or not) have the ability to punctuate, alter or even control my mood at any given moment. Whether it's subconsciously or fully on purpose.

These people have the inner skill, be it a virtue or defect, that they have just the right amount of patience, open-mindedness and insanity to put up with me. To the extent that I actually care what they think of me, I grasp and crave their advice, their presence, and maybe even simply their existence, and knowing that they'll always have a few minutes for me if i happen to remember to call or text.

These are the people that have known me so long I've become beautifully predictable to them, which funny enough has given them the strength and capability to call me a bitch when I'm irreconcilably being one, when I feel I've been put in my place, but deep down I just want them to hug me and remind me that I'm still ok, even when I'll never tell them.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh! Ok... So, yeah, I'm grateful. Because you, the people that haven't been consumed with egocentric ways (and some of you actually still read this blog still) are part of that certain group. I'm blessed to have friends all over the world. And while I've thanked my party friends, more like family friends, coffee friends, "I forgot you were there, so thank goodness for Facebook" friends.... Today I'm thankful for the friends I can just call up and just plain be. The ones who show empathy, emotion, support and/or hardcore sincerity. The ones who care enough to listen, who fill me in and let me in turn... be specifically for you. You, the creators of great moments, the feeders of my curiosity.

I had never done this, but thank you. For being you, and for sticking around.

Con mucho cariño, feliz 2013...
Yani

He's Back...

Almost closed the year without writing one more post... No, I won't rant about the inevitable, I'm sure you're sick of politics. Allow me to be self-centered for a few minutes. My final time for the year.

Truth is... I'm currently battling one very ugly, very rotten and excruciatingly stubborn demon inside. This subconscious hair in the soup had been present for so long in my life, I got used to it and worked around it SO well, that it actually ended up leaving.

But only for a few months. Almost four beautiful months where it was all so blissful, so primitive, so sublime, yet so impossible. So beautiful, that it became part of me, even after that oh, so strong autopromise that I'd never, EVER let anyone else in again.

So unique and overpowering, that I found myself feeling like I'd never be in control again. I was constantly pondering why in God's green Earth had I allowed myself to be in this place again. But at the same time, begging the same God to make me strong enough to never lose sight of it, never to make me dull enough to lose it. I thought it might end, but never expected it to end so damned soon.

I did all that I could. I hung on as hard, as insisting, as pathetically as I could. None of it was strong, solid or relevant enough. It's over.

My demon's back with a vengeance so gruesome I brace myself at the thought of another sleepless night. He's rocking a gold chain with a pendant as big as his chest that says "I told you so.". And he weakens me with every stare, each reminder of his existence stings like the most heartless wasp.

... Like a cold-blooded, cowardly, ungrateful clown laughing hysterically in my face every chance he gets...

And you know what the funniest part is? ... I'm the only one that can feel this, the only one that can house it. Because the actual CAUSE of it... doesn't even know my demon exists.

Hell, I'd be surprised if he knew "I" still exist.

Anyhow, here's to a... simpler... 2013.

Y.