Mala... Agradecida

Como es costumbre (para bien o para mal) cierro el año con un post en mi pseudo-olvidado blog. Hoy vuelvo a mis raíces publicando en Español. Total, los panas que leen en Inglés no se hacen sentir con el mismo fervor, y aunque me informan que puedo hacer maravillas con ese idioma, siempre he pensado que el Español ha hecho muchas más maravillas conmigo.

Desde hace ya varios años estos posts de fin de año han dejado mucho qué desear. Siempre hay mucha ansiedad en mí, varias quejas de amistades rotas, y una que otra resolución. Quizá perdí el toque, o quizá realmente no estaba al 100 por ciento dedicada a lo que estaba escribiendo. De hecho, ahora mismo estoy dando vida a estas líneas y no me siento conforme con lo que está saliendo.

Pero lo crudo del caso, el punto que estoy esforzándome por establecer, es que al final de la historia de lo que fue el 2015... Me siento increíblemente malagradecida.

Vivo una buena vida. Tengo una familia realmente excepcional. Tengo un buen trabajo y por lo general soy buena persona. No entiendo por qué me empeño en dejar que cosas que no debieran importarme, me hagan olvidar o descuidarme de todas estas bendiciones.

En algún momento, hace ya par de años, me olvidé de mí. Me obsesioné con situaciones en que nisiquiera viene al caso abundar y como dice aquella bella canción, "Me olvidé de vivir.". Perdí amigos, pero a todos nos pasa. Gané muchos otros, pero no he aprovechado diversos chances para hacerles ver que su llegada a mi vida ha sido importante. 

Incluso perdí muchas oportunidades de ver cosas en mi hija que sólo van a pasar una vez en su vida, por prestar atención a dolores pasajeros. Eso nunca me lo voy a perdonar.

Sin embargo... Dios me dio una hija! Me ha dejado verla crecer sana y fuerte hasta ahora. Mis cuñados no pueden decir lo mismo. Su bella hija se marchó al cielo este año. Se me rompe el alma al hacer la comparación. Pero es que simplemente soy dichosa... Soy bendecida... Soy verdaderamente malagradecida.

Hoy no les presento resoluciones, no me hago promesas a mí misma. Tampoco les digo cómo vivir su vida. Sólo recuerden que el mundo de cada quién, sólo esa persona lo conoce. Sólo tú sabes por lo que pasas, al igual que sólo yo sé lo que tengo de este lado. Abre los ojos, recuerda que siempre puede ser peor. No dejes que la vida te enrrede tanto la mente, que olvides lo bella que es. Recuerda que lo que hablas, dices, escribes y siembras, lo verás escuchado, recibido, leído y cosechado en tus hijos, y en todas las personas que te miran como ejemplo. Y si eres de los que se cree fuera de responsabilidad con los demás, recuerda que nunca sabes si eres el ejemplo de alguien. Es difícil percibirlo si te dejas agarrar de círculos viciosos y amistades de una vía.

Recuerda que estás vivo. Que no estás huyendo, peleando guerras que no son tuyas. Que no vives en el terror, y que es posible que tengas un futuro. Y claro, también es posible que ese futuro sea grandioso.

Sin más nada, me despido por este año. Que el 2016 te traiga todo lo que necesitas y mucho de lo que quieres. Y que Dios (o en lo que sea que creas) te guíe siempre por el camino del bien.

Con el cariño de siempre,
Yani
12/31/2015.-

Virgo and Moonchild

It's 3:30am and anxiety has once again moved in under my covers. When this happens, I usually have a pretty good idea why. From something heavy, like that a friendship is inevitably going downhill, to something that really shouldn't give me anxiety at all at this point, like public speaking.

However, this time around, it's a combination of both. Not one, but two of my dungeon buddies are leaving my department at work. You may think that my anxiety would be the inevitable workload growth, the difficulty of training, getting to know and dealing with new co-workers, and the fact that nobody has time for anything these days. If so, you couldn't be farther from the truth.

I will really, deeply, inevitably and unapologetically miss these women. They have been there for me in more ways than I could have asked for. They have lived things with me and trusted things in me that only friends of decades do. In a very short amount of time, we became dependent on each other without even noticing.

My pretty-eyed Virgo has so much love to give. Never admits out loud how beautiful she is, how strong she has become or how awkward I made things for her sometimes. Because she is all class. No judgement for me, even when she saw me at my worst. We share simultaneous experiences that I'm truly convinced had to coincide in order for us to become friends. We would have been just a little crazier had we had to endure these ordeals alone. But after that was over, there was so much more. There is still so much more unresolved. But all in due time. Now she moves on to new horizons, and I couldn't be happier. But it's an understatement to say I'll miss our talks so much, from reading our shared horoscope, to as over-thinking-ly as they could get. 

Sometimes I wonder where our "plan" sheet went. Operation Samurai or something? Then I realize I would only wanna see that sheet to burn it, or do something to it that I can't put here, 'cause let's face it, we're classy broads.

I thank God (or whatever she believes in ;-)) for knowing her, and I'm grateful for her coming into in my life. And rest assured if we do drift apart, I will understand. We kinda already have, but everything happens for a reason, they say. She was honest enough to answer me one day that when we stopped working together, inevitably things would change. It has happened with countless people before, but she was honest enough to pseudo-warn me. Doesn't stop being bittersweet, though. She has so many great things to accomplish and I can't wait to hear about them!

My ever so easygoing Moonchild became my sister in the blink of an eye. So gently honest, so humble, so modest, but yet so wholesome. And man, what a booty! Lol... I can't help dreading the thought that I won't see her amazing beach-waved hair every morning, wondering how the heck she manages to look amazing even in sweats, and how she's never had a frown that lasted over an hour in the year I've known her.

Always up for great conversation, never holding back advice and always having me begging for a video blog (can you please get on that already?), she made it fun to go to work again. Always coming up with reasons to throw cube parties, ten second dance sessions and shaking up the FMM. She is the epitome of the co-worker that effortlessly walks her way into your friendship circle. The kind of person you never wanna lose sight of. The one you look up to and can't help but wanna be like her. And exemplar mother and the true definition of "family first".

She introduced sex talking at our cubes first thing in the morning! Everyone assumes its me all the time! How could we not miss her, when all she's done is crawl into our hearts and set up camp there? I know, like she said yesterday, she will be around. But man, will I miss all her amusing stories (I'm still convinced all that stuff only happens to her) her incredible and apparently unbreakable sense of humor and her all-around easygoing manner. Like I've told her so many times already, I hope she always knows I'm here for her. 

Today I can't help but choke up at the thought that I won't see these girls every morning anymore. Yes, I've lost countless co-workers, and yes, I miss most of them very dearly. But these were different bonds. These involved similar sorrows, family growing pains, and situations we'll never forget. Situations that helped us grow, become, forgive, endure and enjoy life just a little more.

Go on and continue to make everyone that loves you very proud. We may drift apart, but we're friends. As simple or as complicated as life may be. I'm blessed you're part of mine.

Love you both,
Yan
07/10/2015.-

Before Something Great Happens...

The other day one of my really good friends said, "Before something great happens, usually a lot of bad things happen first.". She didn't use those exact words, but given the bitch-fest hour we had just accomplished, for lack of a better word, I knew where she was coming from. She was referring to hopeful idealism: When you've reached rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up.

While I've tried not to get my hopes up for this year (because I had outstanding hopes for 2014, and one of these days I'll puke myself into telling you how it went), once in a while, little phrases like these make their way into my thoughts. Good thoughts, for a change. In the middle of everything, those simple thoughts can save you from getting closer to insanity.

Anxiety is your worst enemy when there are just too many weird things going on. One instance is to feel like you're barely in control, and a very different one is to feel that your surroundings completely control you, your mood, your decisions, your view of every little thing or situation. It's not comfortable to second guess every decision, of ever minute, of every hour. And I'm feeling it lately. Ughhh, and it's a m'er f'er this time around. Wrinkles under my eyes, a few gray hairs and everything. It's here, full force.

A lot of our good friends have gone to better places, less like death and more like better jobs. We're left behind joking about slitting our wrists, jumping off a cliff, or setting the place on fire. It's all fun and games, and we keep the class, I mean, who doesn't joke about how miserable their workplace is? But damn... Something's gotta give. It's like people and processes are out doing themselves in the realm of difficulty, and we're left to wonder why we should even care about the whole thing.

For all we've been through this past year, my dungeon buddies and I deserve an awesome 2015. It's time for new stories, new people to accompany these stories, and fresh perspectives to go with the fresh personalities some of us have. And to awaken the calmer personalities of the bunch. ... Wait, never mind, we have none of those.

When my friend said that, and her pretty and inevitably adventurous eyes kinda lit up, I couldn't help but find myself hoping she's right.  Some would say we're just dealing with glorified first world problems. I think we're just growing up a little more. And I don't want it!

But at the end of the day, I'm just thankful. That we're going through this together, that it'll end at some point, and that it could always be worse.

We could be out of work, or being overworked... I could be prohibited from writing these words. I'm obviously all over the place. But that's where I'm supposed to be, I guess... Before Something Great Happens.

YD 3/26/2015.-