Ever had to be so careful of what you said, that you didn't notice how much you lost yourself in the conversation, 'til after the fact?
I am in no way, shape, form or anything related, an expert at communicating. As a matter of opinion, I think what makes communication so wonderful, is that it can't be completely mastered. But I'm usually very good with my words, I know which to say, how to say them, when to say them and when to SAVE them.
Having said that, however, once in a great while someone comes along that makes me feel like an utter amateur. Like I just learned to listen and respond yesterday. Like eggshells are a cushioned floor compared to what I'm walking on. Like I can say my most beautifully and artistically chosen compliment and I'm automatically putting an expiration date on it, because sooner rather than later, I'm going to proverbially drop the slippery ball and say something, for lack of a better word, "stOOpid". And we'll hit an awkward pause in our interaction.
But I care so much about his friendship, that I'm willing to bend over backwards apologizing, be left hanging for long periods of time waiting for some sort of feedback, or at least acknowledgement of the said apology (which... most of the time I don't really understand why I'm the only one apologizing anyways) and overall, I'm willing to forget my confident, pseudo-dominant behaviour and become a submissive child holding a drop of mercury in her hands, freaking out at the thought of dropping it.
I will (as usual) close this post with complete honesty. I don't really know how I'm going to keep this friendship alive. I don't want him to be frustrated. Half of me keeps telling myself that I should just shut up and keep to myself anything that can be misunderstood by him. The other half feels it's important that he knows me as I am. Friendship should NOT be this difficult.
I'm only posting this here because you guys will tell me I'm a little whiny bitch if that's what I'm coming across as. And who better than you to listen, since I believe you know how important friendship is to me?
I'm all ears... err, eyes.