Monday, December 31, 2012

At the End of the Day

Ok, let's try this one more time. I mean I can't close a year that was so great in such a low note.

Because it really was great. I mean, sure I got my guts subtly handed to me, but at least I realized I still have them. And yes, my walls are now up higher than never before, but it was time for new locks anyway. And sure, I am bitter and confused and demotivated, but dammit, I'm only human! I have once again measured my ability to care, my endurance and my selflessness to give a relationship my all.

Certain people (whether they like it or not) have the ability to punctuate, alter or even control my mood at any given moment. Whether it's subconsciously or fully on purpose.

These people have the inner skill, be it a virtue or defect, that they have just the right amount of patience, open-mindedness and insanity to put up with me. To the extent that I actually care what they think of me, I grasp and crave their advice, their presence, and maybe even simply their existence, and knowing that they'll always have a few minutes for me if i happen to remember to call or text.

These are the people that have known me so long I've become beautifully predictable to them, which funny enough has given them the strength and capability to call me a bitch when I'm irreconcilably being one, when I feel I've been put in my place, but deep down I just want them to hug me and remind me that I'm still ok, even when I'll never tell them.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh! Ok... So, yeah, I'm grateful. Because you, the people that haven't been consumed with egocentric ways (and some of you actually still read this blog still) are part of that certain group. I'm blessed to have friends all over the world. And while I've thanked my party friends, more like family friends, coffee friends, "I forgot you were there, so thank goodness for Facebook" friends.... Today I'm thankful for the friends I can just call up and just plain be. The ones who show empathy, emotion, support and/or hardcore sincerity. The ones who care enough to listen, who fill me in and let me in turn... be specifically for you. You, the creators of great moments, the feeders of my curiosity.

I had never done this, but thank you. For being you, and for sticking around.

Con mucho cariño, feliz 2013...

Saturday, December 29, 2012

He's Back...

Almost closed the year without writing one more post... No, I won't rant about the inevitable, I'm sure you're sick of politics. Allow me to be self-centered for a few minutes. My final time for the year.

Truth is... I'm currently battling one very ugly, very rotten and excruciatingly stubborn demon inside. This subconscious hair in the soup had been present for so long in my life, I got used to it and worked around it SO well, that it actually ended up leaving.

But only for a few months. Almost four beautiful months where it was all so blissful, so primitive, so sublime, yet so impossible. So beautiful, that it became part of me, even after that oh, so strong autopromise that I'd never, EVER let anyone else in again.

So unique and overpowering, that I found myself feeling like I'd never be in control again. I was constantly pondering why in God's green Earth had I allowed myself to be in this place again. But at the same time, begging the same God to make me strong enough to never lose sight of it, never to make me dull enough to lose it. I thought it might end, but never expected it to end so damned soon.

I did all that I could. I hung on as hard, as insisting, as pathetically as I could. None of it was strong, solid or relevant enough. It's over.

My demon's back with a vengeance so gruesome I brace myself at the thought of another sleepless night. He's rocking a gold chain with a pendant as big as his chest that says "I told you so.". And he weakens me with every stare, each reminder of his existence stings like the most heartless wasp.

... Like a cold-blooded, cowardly, ungrateful clown laughing hysterically in my face every chance he gets...

And you know what the funniest part is? ... I'm the only one that can feel this, the only one that can house it. Because the actual CAUSE of it... doesn't even know my demon exists.

Hell, I'd be surprised if he knew "I" still exist.

Anyhow, here's to a... simpler... 2013.