Saturday, December 29, 2012

He's Back...

Almost closed the year without writing one more post... No, I won't rant about the inevitable, I'm sure you're sick of politics. Allow me to be self-centered for a few minutes. My final time for the year.

Truth is... I'm currently battling one very ugly, very rotten and excruciatingly stubborn demon inside. This subconscious hair in the soup had been present for so long in my life, I got used to it and worked around it SO well, that it actually ended up leaving.

But only for a few months. Almost four beautiful months where it was all so blissful, so primitive, so sublime, yet so impossible. So beautiful, that it became part of me, even after that oh, so strong autopromise that I'd never, EVER let anyone else in again.

So unique and overpowering, that I found myself feeling like I'd never be in control again. I was constantly pondering why in God's green Earth had I allowed myself to be in this place again. But at the same time, begging the same God to make me strong enough to never lose sight of it, never to make me dull enough to lose it. I thought it might end, but never expected it to end so damned soon.

I did all that I could. I hung on as hard, as insisting, as pathetically as I could. None of it was strong, solid or relevant enough. It's over.

My demon's back with a vengeance so gruesome I brace myself at the thought of another sleepless night. He's rocking a gold chain with a pendant as big as his chest that says "I told you so.". And he weakens me with every stare, each reminder of his existence stings like the most heartless wasp.

... Like a cold-blooded, cowardly, ungrateful clown laughing hysterically in my face every chance he gets...

And you know what the funniest part is? ... I'm the only one that can feel this, the only one that can house it. Because the actual CAUSE of it... doesn't even know my demon exists.

Hell, I'd be surprised if he knew "I" still exist.

Anyhow, here's to a... simpler... 2013.


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