Friday, November 30, 2012

A Drop of Mercury

Ever had to be so careful of what you said, that you didn't notice how much you lost yourself in the conversation, 'til after the fact?

I am in no way, shape, form or anything related, an expert at communicating. As a matter of opinion, I think what makes communication so wonderful, is that it can't be completely mastered. But I'm usually very good with my words, I know which to say, how to say them, when to say them and when to SAVE them.

Having said that, however, once in a great while someone comes along that makes me feel like an utter amateur. Like I just learned to listen and respond yesterday. Like eggshells are a cushioned floor compared to what I'm walking on. Like I can say my most beautifully and artistically chosen compliment and I'm automatically putting an expiration date on it, because sooner rather than later, I'm going to proverbially drop the slippery ball and say something, for lack of a better word, "stOOpid". And we'll hit an awkward pause in our interaction.

But I care so much about his friendship, that I'm willing to bend over backwards apologizing, be left hanging for long periods of time waiting for some sort of feedback, or at least acknowledgement of the said apology (which... most of the time I don't really understand why I'm the only one apologizing anyways) and overall, I'm willing to forget my confident, pseudo-dominant behaviour and become a submissive child holding a drop of mercury in her hands, freaking out at the thought of dropping it.

I will (as usual) close this post with complete honesty. I don't really know how I'm going to keep this friendship alive. I don't want him to be frustrated. Half of me keeps telling myself that I should just shut up and keep to myself anything that can be misunderstood by him. The other half feels it's important that he knows me as I am. Friendship should NOT be this difficult.

I'm only posting this here because you guys will tell me I'm a little whiny bitch if that's what I'm coming across as. And who better than you to listen, since I believe you know how important friendship is to me?

I'm all ears... err, eyes.

Y.

9 comments:

El Poeta J.O.D. said...

I think it's always hard to keep these types of friendships when you feel challenged all the time. That need to apologize at every turn and that the other person seems immune to criticism is unfair.

Friendships should include love, understanding, a certain positive flow of energy. If this person can't make you feel joy at a certain constant level then maybe this friendship has gone toxic. There's a difference between friends that are honest with you because they love you and those that are always critical in the name of honesty.

You are one of the better people I know. You deserve better friends. Sometimes in order to grow we must let go of those people that only hold us back.

Big hugs, Be well Yani. Listen to your soul.

v4mp1r3x said...

no comment

cocorote gomez said...

One of my "gifts", is that when someth piss me out, Im going for it, I dont know to acting prudently, U could b my frnd or not, I just spit off wat I got inside, and just my frnds keep being my frnds after it.. abrazos

GirlFromSantiago said...

Thanks, guys! I'm gonna keep an open mind with my friend. When I care about someone, I don't usually give up on them. And contrary to popular belief, I'm flooding with patience. Thanks again...

DrTee said...

If a friendship is Real, it never truly dies. It may take a Pause while peoples' lives take unexpected turns, but friends never leave each others' consciousness. You smile over the good memories, and cringe over the rough ones, but once a spot is carved into each others' lives, it's permanent.... not always Active, but never truly gone...

GirlFromSantiago said...

That may be so, but... One thing is for a friendship to get frozen, and another very different thing to completely ignore it. I have no place in my "friend"'s life. He's got no room for me in it. And that's ok. No hard feelings. I'm just not going to sit here pretending like it didn't hurt to be ignored. I understand now. Love is bigger, and love is busier. And this time love is definitely not mine.

DrTee said...

It sounds as though your situation with your friend was unfortunate, but inevitable, and that alone is a true tragedy. It seems to be the nature of the human condition to go through our lives looking for connections to validate us; our existence, our feelings, our worth. Every so often, if we are truly lucky, we find a hand to pull us in when we are adrift. Sometimes it's a hand to hold, and sometimes it's gone before we know where it came from. In either case, it's a helping hand in a time of need. I'm sure there are stories your friend may have to "explain" what happened, but it sounds as though it's beyond the point of making a difference. We put up walls to protect ourselves from current, and future, pain, and give us time to heal, reflect and learn from the experience. I guarantee your friend has regrets that will never be resolved, and you are more important than you believe.

GirlFromSantiago said...

Well, I'm dead sure I was a helping hand, but when the said hand gets let go of, especially so quickly and with no explanation, it's inevitable to feel somewhat used. I'm not expecting a super late, super senseless explanation, because I'm not even sure I want it anymore. If my friend is happy, that's supposed to be good enough for me. I was angry at him for about a month, mainly because one of the best ways to hurt someone is to ignore them, and he ignored the shit out of me. Now I'm just numb, locked up inside. If rumors hold true and he's found love and is risking everything for that love, then I don't wanna hear it. He should do us both a favor and stay away from me. I'll give rumors the benefit of the doubt. Because I deserved more than the way things went down, and if they went down that way 'cause of another "lady friend", I don't want anything further to do with him. He told me he needed to put out some "real fires", and I believed him. But for a few people in this world, I'm the most real fire they've ever had. If I couldn't have that with him, I don't think I want anything else.

GirlFromSantiago said...

Heheh, that's what I thought. Rumors that come from a rock-solid source are hardly ever false. But rest assured I'll be happy for him. Not really sure when or how, but I'll get there. Tell him I'm sorry for wishing and wanting and being ready for so much, and forgetting it was impossible all along. Tell him to forgive me for using the picture with the roses for my post. But that I'm not really sorry about that one. And tell him I'm going to do my best to never write about him again. It's all over now. It was over when I sent him that last text. I wasn't saying "hello", I was saying "good-bye". He didn't get it. He never will. But it doesn't matter now. Thanks for everything.