Sunday, January 19, 2014

This Old Knot

Stress is such a waste of time. I mean, seriously, what's the point? If it has a solution, why worry about the issue? And on the other hand, if it has no solution, once again, why worry?

It's like we're programmed to lose our hair (or have it  turn gray) over everything. Lack of money, lack of space, lack of privacy, lack of sex. There's a worry for each one of us, and it's bound to occupy our minds whether we like it or not. And no, gutter-heads, I don't have that last one!

I had this teacher in college, Professor Luis Santana, that would say he was actually able to decide what he was going to worry about, and when. If he had to have a nasty conversation on Monday morning, he wouldn't worry about it until that Monday morning. If he had a tedious ordeal to handle on Thursday afternoon, he didn't prep for it until Thursday morning.

I found it exquisitely amazing. And have always wanted to be able to do that. It's the epiphany of using logic. Not letting emotions take over you, not paying mind to the things that simply don't deserve it, not going insane over something that will resolve itself with time.

To have control over my thoughts, group them up and put them where they won't bother anyone, and decide when to ponder about them... is such a beautiful dream. A dream that someday I want to turn into reality.

Someday I want to get rid of this knot in my throat that's just so darned tight. I wanna be able to accept problems and decide if they're worth my sleep, my hunger and my above all, my tranquility. I want to show my brain that it doesn't rule me, that it's the other way around. That positivity can actually exist within me, and that I can portray it in my actions. I wanna be able to laugh at problems, challenges and issues, just like I have no problem laughing at myself.

This is beginning to sound like a sappy mantra. Sorry about that! Back to basics. One of my biggest flaws has always been worrying about people that are  perfectly fine. In other words, don't need me to worry about them. And in even better words, haven't the slightest interest or consideration in the fact that I worry about them. And in the latest establishment on the issue, have been rude responding to my worry. It hurts, but in the grand scheme of things, what really can I do but stop worrying and hope for the best? What can I do but know about them drinking into oblivion, put their life in the hands of God, and hope that some day they realize that all I ever wanted was their happiness?

At what point do I just back off and realize that I'm no one important in this person's life? At least not important enough that there would be some sort of two way street when it comes to basic communication? Why invest my worry in someone that clearly doesn't deserve it?

So many questions I'll probably never have the answers to. But so little I can do about it. I need to know what the absence of worry is about, really embrace it, detach myself from a senseless friendship. Let go of someone who just plain doesn't need me anymore. And deal with the stress as best as I can.

This is something I think I've never done before. At least, not with a friendship that got to possess so much intensity. Maybe I'll write about it again. Maybe my reaction will make things change. All I know is I'll never feel this way again. And I shouldn't. No one should have to stress about something as beautiful as friendship. I've already lost too much time.

Yani DLC

Wednesday, January 08, 2014

Poisonous Silence

It stings. It feels like I have seven hundred bees injecting their poison into each one of my veins, repeatedly. Like if a Mack truck decided to run over my knees, over and over again. It hurts like nothing I've experienced in a very long time.

It burns. It feels like I'm slowly walking along the hallways of a burning house, feeling the flames piercing my skin, excruciatingly tearing off my face. Feeling my lungs get inundated with that deadly smoke. Feels like it won't stop.

It insists. Just when I think it'll get a little better, it makes me remember, and it hits me harder than before. It reminds me that it can be stronger than me. It convinces me that it's bigger than me. That I can't possibly get rid of it. That it'll do with me whatever it wants.

It is here. It will not go away any time soon. It will make its house in the edge of one of my ribs, and just tighten, and strain, and break me, and be as painful as it can be. It will have no mercy of me. It'll laugh straight at my face whenever I think I can forget it.

It's trapped. It has found a home in my soul and taken over. And it will last forever. Not with the same strength always, but it will frequently show up to flaunt its power. It'll never really leave. It's a part of me now. And I will never know another pain comparable to this, ever.

It will make me stronger. Just like everything else. Yet I will be weak for a long time. Because I became a slave to this twisted dream. But it was my dream. It will never be a nightmare, because it's too beautiful to be called that.

It makes me weak. And it'll make me strong. It changed me, and I will never be the same. It passed the test of time, but not the test of circumstance. It is mine, but I'll never have it. It's what I'm made of, but I'll never embrace it. It's what I want, but not what I need.

It will not be resolved, because it's not a problem. It will not be measured, because I could never show it in full effect. It will never spread its wings... Because it never learned to fly.

It hurts, but it's mine, right? I can't die of this, correct? A body in pain can still live, can't it? A burned soul will still find it's place in this sick world, won't it?

This sweet, gentle poison of seven hundred bees traveling through me... It can't possibly kill me...

... Can it?

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Overthinking It

In a conversation, supposedly when you keep quiet, you let the other person assume whatever they want to. If you want the other person to go totally insane, go ahead and ignore their comment, or make vague comments in return, or simply, just smile. It's the oldest trick in the conversation book, and after all these centuries, still the most effectively annoying.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my friends yacked away regarding how their relationship is falling apart, or how so and so dressed like a total slut today, or even how they can't figure out how to handle an issue at work, and I made it a point to let them figure it out on their own, and in turn they overthought about it and assumed I don't give a damn... well, I'd be out of debt.

When did silence become an insult? When did we stop hoping for the best? At what point did we stop assuming our listening friend has enough to worry about and just backed off? Have we become so egotistical that we can't see past what we perceive as the other person's thought, and it's so blindly that we may never get to truly gaze upon their actual concern?

I know what your must be thinking: her new year's resolution is to stop over thinking. But come on, like I (or anyone with friends that are so hard to read) could ever pull that off. This is more the usual rant about how we should really go the extra mile and simply communicate better!

If you know someone over thinks things, why in God's green Earth would you help them? If the second you turn your head they're biting off all their finger nails, shedding out more hair than usual or just not making eye contact... or making too much eye contact! Pick it up, be a pal, offer answers. And if you don't wanna ask what's wrong, at least make the effort to let your friend know you're there for them.

Help them stay off the premises of your business, by being very clear that there really is no business to be concerned with at all. Stop ignoring and start communicating. Words are definitely underrated. When was the last time you left voicemail for someone? No, ya didn't, cause it's too annoying, too time consuming to get through it. Send an impersonal, tactless text message instead. When did we replace feelings and tones with LOLs and emoticons?

God, this post is about as messy and as all over the place as I've been lately. I'm beginning to hate getting old. But if it makes you feel any better, that's it, that's my rant. On to bigger, better things. A completely new year awaits and is almost here. Time to shape up this old body now that I've lost the necessary pounds (now, there's a cliché of a resolution!). Time to offer a better face to these days of uncertainty. Time to stop over thinking so much, bring back asking, and doing everything I can to avoid being ignored.

Get ready world. Operation "Just talk it out" is in full force. Gosh... that is one lame name for an operation... Maybe I can pull something cool off, like the Ninja Report, lol... Ok, here goes... Operation Samurai is ready to be launched!

Hey, I promised less over thinking, not more awesomeness ;-)

Happy 2014, my great ones.


Friday, December 20, 2013

ReconnEXing with an Old Friend

I always make fun of Yvette this time of the year, because she has this ex-boyfriend that always "checks in" with her around the holidays. I give her a "wicked" hard time because the sucker always hits her up around Christmas. "What, does he, get cold??" I always ask. It's a good running joke.

All kidding aside though, reconnecting with someone is definitely underrated. Be it something tricky, like an ex-boyfriend, or something obvious, like a family member, sometimes it's just so much worth exploring. The rush you get when someone that had been a crucial part of your life years before, and for whatever reason had to exit it, all of a sudden reappears in your life, may very well be like the perfect Christmas gift. It truly is priceless.

Specifically with an ex, a million questions, even if only subconsciously, cross your mind. What are they up to now? How far are they from me, in both presence and in thought? What has changed? Dear God, what has not!?! Will it ever be as intense as before, or will it be calm and caring, and collected and super mild? Did they go through the same thing I did? Did they miss me as much (or as little) as I did? And there's one question that at some point one inevitably asks themself: What would have happened?

What if this person wouldn't have exited my life? Would they still be around? Would we have had a strong relationship? And most importantly, would that relationship have survived all the tests that would come with time, and would we still be together?

I've always said an ex is like an ex job. Whatever went wrong the first time, goes ten times worse the second. So run like it's the apocalypse! But I'm not a fan of generalizing, so I won't. What if the, uh... job is so good, you need it? What if the, uh... satisfaction you used to get gave you such a high, that you never really recovered from it, and once in a while you still have withdrawals?

Be it the feel of their touch, the beauty of their face, the rhythm of the conversations you had with them, the way they gave you their restless, undivided attention, or simply the way they looked at you and you felt like you owned the world... You missed that. You find yourself feeling so strange... ly awesome! And it's goofy, and maybe even inappropriate at times. But it's there, you can't help it. Your feelings weren't dead. They were merely frozen. It doesn't necessarily mean you're still in love with them. God, no. But the ego boost is nevertheless exhilarating.

And the balancing act of not letting this "melting work" get in the way of your everyday... Boy, that can get exhausting. The care with which you explain and review with your loved ones that this will not interfere with your life, or mean anything more than that, reconnecting. If you even go there! Because how many people actually explain something like this to their significant other? Is that something they would even understand or... encourage? Nah, most of it stays in seclusion, a pseudo-complicated secret, or a vague white lie. Because it really doesn't go anywhere, so it's ok.

... Or does it? For others, it can get so twisted. Reconnecting with an ex can put in jeopardy everything they've worked for that makes up their current situation. Old flames spark, some limiting themselves to flirting, others leading to simple (or not so simple) infidelity. If never revealed, the most intense chapters of people's lives get written. If otherwise, relationships, good, durable, meaningful relationships can get sawed in half never to be put back together again.

I have a great relationship with all my exes. We do NOT regularly keep in touch. It's more of a check-in, make sure all is well, talk to ya next year, kinda deal. Super platonic. Rarely ever does it go farther than a few Facebook messages. Cause that's the other thing. Our egos are so ridiculously large, that we have to have them around in our social media. To remind us of the fact that we were once important to them, that the new significant other could never be as hot as us, or simply that... we won!!

So, my dear friends, the next time an ex knocks at your door, don't ignore them. Especially now, it is the holidays, after all. It can be a beautiful thing to rediscover the awesome you that you put in a box and smashed into pieces, with that entire relationship. And it doesn't hurt to keep the peace with the person who may hold a few secrets over your head. Just... also please keep your pants on.

Everyone deserves a hug. This is all virtual, of course, like in the form of a tweet, or a Facebook message. If they actually show up at your door... once again, run like it's the apocalypse!

Happy Holidays, my darlings.


Sunday, December 08, 2013

Bad Influences

I really, really, REALLY need to tone down this darned negativity. This time it's not my boss picking it up, it's really good friends and co-workers. That is worse in certain ways.

I'm arguing with people about stupid, secondary, unimportant issues, complaints I can fully keep to myself, pet peeves that should be strictly that, peeves, not topics of long, and even public discussions. I'm dropping F bombs like I've never known to do (was never a fan of swearing growing up) I'm putting myself in a super non flattering light that shows such a dramatic, exaggerated side of me. I'm beginning to hate that side.

Living paycheck by paycheck is really taking its toll on me. I know I should be grateful I have a job, I'm healthy, I have a healthy, loving family. It's the stuff I don't have that is getting me as down and out of place as an islander in New England Weather... wait a minute, that's me!

There is so much I should be thankful for. And I am internally. Really. There are moments I can put aside all my frustration and remember that others don't even have families, jobs, a plate on their table. But this is a very difficult country to be a conformist in. This is the country that slaps you in the face with consumerism as soon as you walk out the door.

And this is not a post of all the material things I want for Christmas. Definitely not. This is about those relationships that appear to be slipping away. One specifically. I've done such an outstanding job at becoming more detached with my friends, not expecting them to be in touch with me every day, closing my eyes and hoping for the best if they disappear on me. Hell, I don't even get back to voicemails anymore.

But once in a while I fall off the wagon, and just like an alcoholic that missed his whiskey so damned much, my anxiety is so much worse this time around. I find myself waking up at four, five o'clock in the morning, to try to remember better times, simpler days. Not even from years ago. Just a month ago. Days when one person could come up to me, show me how pretty I apparently am, and I'd actually believe it, and give in, have fun and reciprocate the compliment. Now, even if there were any compliments, which there most certainly are not, I would probably end up feeling like that person wants something.

It doesn't really help that the people I'm talking to the most this week have very little positivity in them to begin with. My sister's got this aggressive road rage that appears to drag on right after she gets out of her car. My associate's going through extremely rough times, she just wants to let go of everything. I've been in that situation before, and if I had a blog back then (and a daughter), I probably wouldn't have considered suicide. My sales rep keeps complaining about the stupidest things. The woman willfully had no kids, owns her own place, and makes good money. Did she really just complain about the company we work for? My AP rep is probably the worst influence. I find myself cackling, laughing at people, not in the cute, "Oh, she's so corky" kind of way, but in the "OMG, can I please beat her up just once" kind of way, each time she steps into my cubicle.

We all live truly great lives. Yet we seem to concentrate on such petty ass things. We need to go back to celebrating people's success, still making fun of them one in a while, of course, but highlighting the fun of it. I think I may start by actually saying "Good morning" to the ever so annoying intern. She's never done crap to me, I can't even blame her for distracting me. No one has told her how excruciatingly painful her laugh is. I'm sure I have characteristics that annoy people. They don't ignore me for them.

I'm pretty sure she's terrified of me, too, the poor thing. A few days ago she ran the other way when I unconsciously sat in the area where she usually sits for the Friday Morning Meeting.

I can't be making people uncomfortable again. Things need to change. I can sit here and blame all the bad influences around me, but at the end of the day, I'm the only one responsible for what comes out of my mouth, the same way I'm the only one responsible for what goes in it.

I'm sure today will be the longest day before my pseudo-experiment. But I plan on keeping positive. Never been a believer of this positive vibes crap, so let's say it's not even with that purpose. Let's just see what happens when I concentrate on those great little things I have, not take for granted all the big ones, and acknowledge, respect and maybe even get to like all the ones in between.

Have a positively wonderful week!!

... k, that was, like, totally pushing it. Sorry. No idea where that came from.

Enjoy your week :-)


Friday, November 08, 2013

The Good Wife

While you might think that I have forgotten about my blog, it's definitely not the case.

I've been so preoccupied with things that are unimportant, yet urgent, like work, so the blog has had to take a back seat.

Family is still joyfully first, but I've gotta say, I'm so darned grateful to have such awesome, outgoing friends, and such a great life outside of home. Not everyone is blessed with such a great social life in their early thirties, married and with child.  And I've been trying to enjoy every minute of it while I can, and cherish so many moments of unforgettable fun.

Yes, I know I sound like the typical "Whatever I didn't do in my twenties, I wanna do in my thirties!" cliché. But I assure you, my few faithful blog readers, that this is further from the truth than a beggar at a penthouse. It's not that I've decided to put aside my values, and party like a rockstar without thinking of tomorrow. It's not that I have a husband that doesn't care about my decisions. But, nevertheless... I have one amazing relationship. I could sit here and write up an encyclopedia about how great it is, but I'll get to the raw, unfiltered, unapologetic and uncensored point: we have somehow met the point between respecting each other and having an openmind.

I won't bore you with intricate details, just know that you're the lucky recipients of my pseudo-secret. And I'm only posting it because I know your opinions will be valued, and that I'm still calling it a secret because even after I speak to my select group of friends, there's very little agreement, very little grasp of my ideas. So the real value of it doesn't really get shared or experimented.

To make it as simple as possible, my husband has a green light. He can do whatever he pleases with his body, as long as it doesn't affect his ability to take care of me or our daughter. This pertains primarily to that issue that people take so seriously, and that if they didn't, would probably avoid a good chunk of divorces happening every year: cheating.

Yup, you heard it here, first. Mr. Death can cheat. I know I'm defying the laws of physics (especially Hispanic physics!) by thinking this way, but what can I say? You live according to what you learn, feel and see. I've seen so many great marriages end over such an egotistical flaw. Over ego. Over one or two (or twenty) nights of superficial pleasure...

This little agreement, however, and of course, comes accompanied by a set of three rules. Rules that would probably be tweaked if he were suicidal enough to go through with this, haha, but that are there nevertheless:

1) I can definitely, absolutely NEVER find out. Whether it's a one-night stand, or a full-blown affair, I can't know about it. From him, or anyone else. It should forever haunt his conscience, and his alone.

2) He needs to protect himself. Yes, I know a condom comes to mind, but that's not all I'm referring to. I also can't mentally afford an infatuated bitch trying to come up to me and ruin my marriage. He must have the understanding with her that this is what it is, something he needs to get out of his system, that she will never be first, that she is a hole-filler (getting her hole filled... ha!).

3) If I do find out, and this happens to be more of an emotional and mental ordeal, than it is physical, he needs to explore it without me in the picture. If he falls in love, it can only mean he's fallen out of love with me. And life's too short to live with someone you can't make happy. We will figure out a civilized way to exit each other's lives.

I know this all sounds too good to be true, that this is too perfect an agreement to actually work. But keep two things in mind that make this more hypothetical than actual: a) I've never known of him cheating, so I'm on cloud seventeen at the moment and b) I, on the contrary, don't have this magical green light ;-) So I have to be careful not to place myself in situations I can lose control of. Has it still been super close to happening? Have I been ridiculously close to situations where I could be unfaithful if I wasn't so, well, faithful? Yeah... But that, my chums, is another story.

Until then, have yourselves blissful nights. I have to go fulfill my good wife duties now ;-)

Yani DLC

Monday, December 31, 2012

At the End of the Day

Ok, let's try this one more time. I mean I can't close a year that was so great in such a low note.

Because it really was great. I mean, sure I got my guts subtly handed to me, but at least I realized I still have them. And yes, my walls are now up higher than never before, but it was time for new locks anyway. And sure, I am bitter and confused and demotivated, but dammit, I'm only human! I have once again measured my ability to care, my endurance and my selflessness to give a relationship my all.

Certain people (whether they like it or not) have the ability to punctuate, alter or even control my mood at any given moment. Whether it's subconsciously or fully on purpose.

These people have the inner skill, be it a virtue or defect, that they have just the right amount of patience, open-mindedness and insanity to put up with me. To the extent that I actually care what they think of me, I grasp and crave their advice, their presence, and maybe even simply their existence, and knowing that they'll always have a few minutes for me if i happen to remember to call or text.

These are the people that have known me so long I've become beautifully predictable to them, which funny enough has given them the strength and capability to call me a bitch when I'm irreconcilably being one, when I feel I've been put in my place, but deep down I just want them to hug me and remind me that I'm still ok, even when I'll never tell them.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh! Ok... So, yeah, I'm grateful. Because you, the people that haven't been consumed with egocentric ways (and some of you actually still read this blog still) are part of that certain group. I'm blessed to have friends all over the world. And while I've thanked my party friends, more like family friends, coffee friends, "I forgot you where there so Thank goodness for Facebook" friends.... Today I'm thankful for the friends I can just call up and just plain be. The ones who show empathy, emotion, support and/or hardcore sincerity. The ones who care enough to listen, who fill me in and let me in turn... be specifically for you. You, the creators of great moments, the feeders of my curiosity.

I had never done this, but thank you. For being you, and for sticking around.

Con mucho cariño, feliz 2013...