Thursday, December 29, 2016

[For The Record...]

I've been asking myself such aggravating questions lately. Why? What's the point? Why bother?
Don't get me wrong. This is not one of those times when I want to do absolutely nothing and just let time pass by in an uneventful manner. No. I have far more important things to think about now.
This is a time when I'm feeling like my kindness has reached a new level and I feel like my face is toilet paper. And that it's the same people wiping themselves with me over and over again. 
I have been guaranteed that I am a good time. I have been told before that I'm good at listening, at making people laugh and at sympathizing with others, even if I've never been in a similar situation before. Even though most of my best friends live an ocean away, I do have many here that make sure to keep my around. This is because I'm ridiculously loyal, I don't sugar coat things and most importantly, I keep them around as well.

The importance is to keep a balance. To make sure things are said, that dates are kept and that somehow, somewhere, someone knows you're thinking about them. It's also the proverbial two-way street. It doesn't work if you don't get the same deal back. It might function for a little while, in a mediocre way, but nothing solid. Nothing meaningful or everlasting.

Which brings me to my next point. If I've been in a one-way street for years now, and there's no sign of opposite traffic anytime soon... What exactly is the point of trying? If it's so excruciatingly obvious and painfully exaggerated that I mean nothing to this person... Why do I continue to hang on to this friendship, that is clearly only in my head?

I don't want this blog to be about how I changed. I don't want it to be about how so many things got ruined for me because of this friendship. About how bitter I am because I cared just a tad too much, and it all turned to nothing. About how I'll never get close to anyone ever again, because of the doings of one person. I don't want this blog to be ruined for me, too.

I just want to get off this rollercoaster ride. I don't want to keep trying to let go. I want to be let go. I have done my part in keeping my distance. I want to be given the same respect. I want to stop feeling like a joke. Feeling like there must be a range of stories that are now public and I'm the only one that doesn't know they are. Feeling like I'm a burden. Like I'm a secondary deal to someone who's always been a priority for me. I want to stop missing and needing and giving so much importance to people who simply don't deserve.

I'm sick of talking about the same troubles. 

I hate that I miss you even with everything that's gone down.
I didn't imagine what we had. It actually happened. Why did it end? I'll never understand. But I can assure you one day, you'll have mercy on this friendship that once was.
One day you'll tell me what I did wrong, why you made it disappear... why I'm nothing to you now. And on that day, when you're finally able to face me, to release that ounce of confrontational strength you've accomplished, I will listen. I will be there, just like I've always been.
Things will never be the same. But someday you will have to talk to me. Be it out of guilt, compassion or just plain boredom, you will reach out to me. And I will be, just like always, just around the corner.
And I don't ever want you to ever, EVER doubt that I'll be here. Like no one else has been there for you in this forsaken place.
One day I hope you believe in yourself like I have. That you realize that you have a heart. That you always did.

... Underneath all that ice.