When you're awkward and you don't belong... It's always there. No matter how much you think you've accomplished. No matter how much you believe you've overcome. No matter how many times you tell yourself you've come a long way. You simply don't belong. And sometimes people remind you of that. Fuck, sometimes they don't even try. But it's something you live with. You make the best of it. And you cope. And you survive. And maybe, just maybe... You thrive.
This isn't meant to be a sappy post. Or an attention-craving one. It's not even meant to get any responses. This is a post to convince myself in years to come, that I am feeling this way, because I'm hoping in a couple of years I will no longer feel this way. I want to be able to look back and take a deep breath, and just thank God that things are better. I want to say "WTF was wrong with you?" To my old self. I want to remember that I can be vulnerable, and that I'm humble and I want to prove to myself that I will not lose my humility, no matter what happens to me in this new job.
Oh, yeah, did I mention I took a new job? Same company, but sales oriented. I took a friggin sales job. What I said I'd never do. What I called the dark side for so long and what I'm officially naming the hardest spin off my comfort zone in my entire life. It all comes down to wanting to provide the best for my family, but man... My anxiety has sure spiked.
I should mention there's a group of people who, no matter how weird I am, and how I'll never really stop being this way... All accept me as I am. Because of them, I actually feel like "I belong" somewhere. They're not family, they're not necessarily friends, either. They're just... There. I'm so thankful.
Two years without writing in here. I can't pull that shit again. Not making any resolutions, just light fun, deep thoughts, enlightening conversations and solid actions. I can't mentally afford to lose myself again.
I am an adult. And yes, sometimes it sucks. But other times... I'm extremely happy I'm still here.
Yan
1/8/2018.-
No comments:
Post a Comment