At the End of the Day

Ok, let's try this one more time. I mean I can't close a year that was so great in such a low note.

Because it really was great. I mean, sure I got my guts subtly handed to me, but at least I realized I still have them. And yes, my walls are now up higher than never before, but it was time for new locks anyway. And sure, I am bitter and confused and demotivated, but dammit, I'm only human! I have once again measured my ability to care, my endurance and my selflessness to give a relationship my all.

Certain people (whether they like it or not) have the ability to punctuate, alter or even control my mood at any given moment. Whether it's subconsciously or fully on purpose.

These people have the inner skill, be it a virtue or defect, that they have just the right amount of patience, open-mindedness and insanity to put up with me. To the extent that I actually care what they think of me, I grasp and crave their advice, their presence, and maybe even simply their existence, and knowing that they'll always have a few minutes for me if i happen to remember to call or text.

These are the people that have known me so long I've become beautifully predictable to them, which funny enough has given them the strength and capability to call me a bitch when I'm irreconcilably being one, when I feel I've been put in my place, but deep down I just want them to hug me and remind me that I'm still ok, even when I'll never tell them.

Where the hell was I going with this? Oh! Ok... So, yeah, I'm grateful. Because you, the people that haven't been consumed with egocentric ways (and some of you actually still read this blog still) are part of that certain group. I'm blessed to have friends all over the world. And while I've thanked my party friends, more like family friends, coffee friends, "I forgot you were there, so thank goodness for Facebook" friends.... Today I'm thankful for the friends I can just call up and just plain be. The ones who show empathy, emotion, support and/or hardcore sincerity. The ones who care enough to listen, who fill me in and let me in turn... be specifically for you. You, the creators of great moments, the feeders of my curiosity.

I had never done this, but thank you. For being you, and for sticking around.

Con mucho cariño, feliz 2013...
Yani

He's Back...

Almost closed the year without writing one more post... No, I won't rant about the inevitable, I'm sure you're sick of politics. Allow me to be self-centered for a few minutes. My final time for the year.

Truth is... I'm currently battling one very ugly, very rotten and excruciatingly stubborn demon inside. This subconscious hair in the soup had been present for so long in my life, I got used to it and worked around it SO well, that it actually ended up leaving.

But only for a few months. Almost four beautiful months where it was all so blissful, so primitive, so sublime, yet so impossible. So beautiful, that it became part of me, even after that oh, so strong autopromise that I'd never, EVER let anyone else in again.

So unique and overpowering, that I found myself feeling like I'd never be in control again. I was constantly pondering why in God's green Earth had I allowed myself to be in this place again. But at the same time, begging the same God to make me strong enough to never lose sight of it, never to make me dull enough to lose it. I thought it might end, but never expected it to end so damned soon.

I did all that I could. I hung on as hard, as insisting, as pathetically as I could. None of it was strong, solid or relevant enough. It's over.

My demon's back with a vengeance so gruesome I brace myself at the thought of another sleepless night. He's rocking a gold chain with a pendant as big as his chest that says "I told you so.". And he weakens me with every stare, each reminder of his existence stings like the most heartless wasp.

... Like a cold-blooded, cowardly, ungrateful clown laughing hysterically in my face every chance he gets...

And you know what the funniest part is? ... I'm the only one that can feel this, the only one that can house it. Because the actual CAUSE of it... doesn't even know my demon exists.

Hell, I'd be surprised if he knew "I" still exist.

Anyhow, here's to a... simpler... 2013.

Y.

A Drop of Mercury

Ever had to be so careful of what you said, that you didn't notice how much you lost yourself in the conversation, 'til after the fact?

I am in no way, shape, form or anything related, an expert at communicating. As a matter of opinion, I think what makes communication so wonderful, is that it can't be completely mastered. But I'm usually very good with my words, I know which to say, how to say them, when to say them and when to SAVE them.

Having said that, however, once in a great while someone comes along that makes me feel like an utter amateur. Like I just learned to listen and respond yesterday. Like eggshells are a cushioned floor compared to what I'm walking on. Like I can say my most beautifully and artistically chosen compliment and I'm automatically putting an expiration date on it, because sooner rather than later, I'm going to proverbially drop the slippery ball and say something, for lack of a better word, "stOOpid". And we'll hit an awkward pause in our interaction.

But I care so much about his friendship, that I'm willing to bend over backwards apologizing, be left hanging for long periods of time waiting for some sort of feedback, or at least acknowledgement of the said apology (which... most of the time I don't really understand why I'm the only one apologizing anyways) and overall, I'm willing to forget my confident, pseudo-dominant behaviour and become a submissive child holding a drop of mercury in her hands, freaking out at the thought of dropping it.

I will (as usual) close this post with complete honesty. I don't really know how I'm going to keep this friendship alive. I don't want him to be frustrated. Half of me keeps telling myself that I should just shut up and keep to myself anything that can be misunderstood by him. The other half feels it's important that he knows me as I am. Friendship should NOT be this difficult.

I'm only posting this here because you guys will tell me I'm a little whiny bitch if that's what I'm coming across as. And who better than you to listen, since I believe you know how important friendship is to me?

I'm all ears... err, eyes.

Y.

Lost in Translation

One of my best friends would always tell me back in college that no Gringo would ever understand me as well as a Dominican guy could. And by "understand", she meant everything under the sun: language, mannerisms, traditions, backgrounds, be it social, political, cultural, (... and Jew, lol...) you name it, every way two people can be different.

She would also imply that if I were ever "suicidal" enough to get involved with a Gringo, I'd no doubt drive the poor man crazy. She'd state things like "You think so much about what you're gonna say, that when you finally speak, your brain cells find a way to kill themselves in terror, and that's why halfway down your argument you find yourself sighing and biting your lips. And although it's cute as hell, (k, maybe she didn't say that part) it doesn't get you anywhere".

And "Imagine a poor Americanito, not knowing that we Dominicanas exaggerate and dramatize eh-vryyy-thaaang, trying to decipher all that's coming out of your mouth, while trying not to piss you off, while trying to keep his hard-on 'cause you know the brain and the 'calembo' don't work together all that well..." (this is where I would almost piss myself because she would come up with the best names for penises)... "I'd pity him... and me! 'Cause I'd have to put up with you when you'd finally let him get some while you watched the novela and the issue would never get resolved... So do humanity a favor. Stick to  a Dominican. And never look back.".

Things have changed so much since then. I no longer watch novelas, haha! I don't think all that much before I talk... And interracial relationships are all around me, and I'm not gonna lie, it's a beautiful thing that they've gotten this far. Taking the time to know not only whom you're with, but why they are how they are, the words, the habits, the looks, and my all-time favorite, the body language.

Maybe it's not something I'll ever experience first-hand, but how many things are we not exposed to, that fascinate the hell out of us? Look at my friend from college. She's married to a pretty cool Gringo! Two kids and everything.

Unfortunately something will get lost in translation, no matter where you're from. But it's inevitable, you can't think in someone else's head. You can't control another person's perception. All you can really do is try your best at making sure that what gets lost... is not love.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some sighing and lip-biting to do.

Blessed, yet Unknown

I know I'm blessed. I have a pretty good idea of what it is to be born to a great family. Loving, understanding, and most of all, sacrificial. God blessed me with a support system I've never doubted...

So why on Earth do I feel so damned tiny at a comment I very well could have misunderstood? Why is it I'm so damned emotional that I let a few words smudge so many years of love, kindness and care?

How is it that words, these simple symbols we take for granted and use to create and to destroy have so much power? I think i just answered my own question. They destroy. I feel destroyed.

Yes, I know I'm blessed, but dammit how is it that the main person for which not only did I decide to open up a Facebook account, but also the main reason I kept it... Happens to be the same person that makes an indirect, uncalled for remark that just cannot be misunderstood?

I will always think it. I'm blessed I am the daughter of my father... But after 32 years, he barely knows me.

... I just realized this is the first post I've ever written in English.

100%

Aveces no sabes si el agua está fría, a menos que saltes y te sumerjas. ¿Por qué dejar ir a alguien a quien te has apegado por tanto tiempo, porque ciertas cosas han cambiado... es tan complicado? Si es un apegue absurdo, sin sentido, sin fundamento, basado en fantasías, en todo lo que podía ser, sólo si pasaban otras cosas... Algo sin la menor posibilidad de triunfar. ¿Por qué se nos hace tan imposible?

Yo no tengo ni el tiempo, ni la energía, ni el deseo de averiguarlo ya. Esta mañana desperté más medalaganaria que todas. Borré varios contactos a los que me aferré por tanto tiempo. Hay un punto en que ya no puede ser uno solo quien se aferre. Las fuerzas se van. El corazón es capaz de continuar, pero la mente decide que ya está bueno. Que es una calle de dos vías, y sólo se está transitando para un lado... Que hay que pensar en el cien por ciento.

Nadie merece presentar a otra persona un porcentaje mucho mayor al que ella le presenta en cambio. He tenido la mente abierta para darme cuenta de qué porcentaje me dan algunas personas a quienes tengo (o tenía) en mi vida. No estoy hablando sólo de atención, sino de todos los factores de los que tengo conocimiento: frecuencia de conversación, contacto en las redes sociales que nos dominan, el simple presentimiento de que si llamo, esa persona va a soltar todo y dedicarme varios minutos, y un largo etcétera.

¿Qué sentido posee retener a alguien en tu lista de contactos a quien sabes que no vas a llamar, porque tienes un virus dentro de ti que se llama "dignidad", y es desgraciadísimo? ¿Para qué esperar la llamada de alguien que sabes nunca ocurrirá, y si encima de todo, ocurre, no va a ayudar a mejorar a nada ni a nadie?

Me la puse fácil. Si yo dedico un 100, y el otro dedica 0, borrado. Si él dedica 100 y yo 0, borrado (con el mismo 0 de aviso). Si los dos dedicamos 0, borrado. Para qué sobrecargarse con ceros, si hay tantos 50 y mayores allá afuera, a quienes ahora mismo estoy dedicando 50 o menos?

Está bueno de mojigangas. Estoy demasiado vieja para can. Y sólo me estoy consumiendo en el olvido de otros. La vida no es más que un conjunto de esperas, y de vez en cuando, sorpresas. Y aveces hay que reemplazar la posibilidad de la sorpresa de saber de alguien a quien extrañas tanto, con la posibilidad de demostrarte a ti mismo, que eres capaz de dejarlo ir.

Y.